For three summers, I have been flying home to Alaska at the end of spring semester, and for three falls, I have returned to Arizona State University to see an explosion of new buildings across the terrain.
There is so much construction in Tempe that the city seems to regularly shed its old skin like a snake and reveal an entirely new surface.
Similar to hermit crabs, ASU’s constant growth necessitates a larger shell on a regular basis. ASU is growing so rapidly and to such proportions that it will inevitably take over Arizona entirely, and then the world.
Sure, there will be a battle when our expanding borders creep south onto University of Arizona territory, but the epic-sized amoeba of ASU will certainly absorb UA into its bloated surface area all the same.
After conquering Arizona, plugging the Grand Canyon with a vast blob of oozing flesh and converting numerous casinos into over-priced bookstores, ASU will become too powerful to remain just a school. It will become its own country.
Imagine, through a gelatinous blur, luxury-apartment complexes lining the streets, luring in young, naïve student-citizens of ASU with free tanning and pizza parties. Sky-high education facilities with a Starbucks (naturally now owned by ASU) on every floor will speckle the landscape, complemented by sport superdomes and sprawling shopping malls.
Life inside the amoebic country of Arizona State University will be trendy and tan, seemingly perfect.
There will be so many required credits to graduate from ASU that students will be trapped in school for decades, or until the bank accounts of them and their loved ones are sucked dry. Then they will spend the rest of their days working off their debt as an employee of ASU.
Wanting as much recognition as possible for the accomplishments of the individuals who comprise the dictatorship, ASU will send its athletes to the Olympics waving the Sun Devil flag. Very gradually, ASU will lure in all of the world’s greatest athletes and take over the medal count.
By making Michael Phelps the face of the country, the world will develop awe and admiration for ASU. Michael Phelps, the ideal swimming machine that churns out one success after another, is the perfect companion to the most powerful, efficient university in the world.
Together, they will brainwash the remaining outside population and create a “1984”-esque utopia. ASU will grow and grow until it finally eclipses the sun, thus destroying the universe and leaving only a vacuous black hole.
But let’s hope not. You see, the point is, I am impressed every time I return from the far north and see the incredible progress that Arizona State has made on this lofty agenda.
For now, I cannot be at all upset by the structures shooting up left and right because they are a lot nicer to look at than sand and feral dogs, which is how I imagine Tempe would be without ASU.
The student-based economy around here appears to thrive, and I am pleased by all the great amenities that results in, from entertainment to restaurants to shopping. Here in Tempe, it is at your fingertips.
Have problems? Let Melissa solve them for you. Share your issues with her at melissa.mapes@asu.edu
