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Ahh, the sweet smell of anarchy burning through the U.S. economy. It is enough to make a person want to strip naked, brand himself or herself with crucifixes and run wildly through the streets screeching warnings about the coming of the apocalypse.

With the way the media has been portraying our suffering economy, you would think the world had stopped turning, and that we are being sucked directly into the sun’s gravitational pull, only moments away from a painful, fiery death.

But fear not, people of Earth. Do not be so hasty to slather on that SPF 1,000 in preparation for the blistering flames of hell. All is not lost.

Have you ever heard the saying, “I have seen the enemy, and it is us?” Well, you have now. What I mean by inserting this quote is that if we, the people, panic, we will doom ourselves to catastrophe.

If we keep a calm head and do not start hiding all our cash under the mattress, then the economy will run its course and return to business as usual. Our financial woes will only culminate in another Great Depression if we decide to create one by freaking out.

The media is largely to blame for the terrified population, and it will push us toward further catastrophe because it makes for good news.

Is this ethical journalism? No. Does anyone at The Associated Press seem to care? Absolutely not.

The press these days have become entirely unreliable. Besides The State Press, you are better off avoiding any sort of news source. The media has reached the point where it actually decides ahead of time what the news is going to be. Instead of objectively reporting events, it manipulates information to create more exciting stories.

The media has an incredible amount of control over the minds of its audience — it tells them what’s important, who’s important and what their opinion should be on every popular topic. You simply cannot believe a single word of what you read in the news.

It takes a very keen eye to decipher the truth within the many outlets of news. As educated college students, we have that ability should we choose to exercise it.

Pay attention in class, get smart, get cynical and take nothing at face value. Then, perhaps you can make an educated opinion.

Not all of America has the ability within them to make intelligent judgments, which is why it is so crucial that we college students pick up the slack.

I watched a show about giant yard sales on PBS last week and it petrified me. Bulbous, Neolithic creatures who have yet to discover hygiene (dental and otherwise) — though they had mastered the art of frying pork rinds — manned the booths of these epic Southern yard sales.

I guarantee you; these are the people who are surer of their beliefs than anyone else in the country. The only group more frightening than these rummaging Neanderthals are the corrupt bank executives who puppeteer all their clients and peons to benefit themselves.

Nonetheless, do not go stock up on gold bricks and Spam. Do not let the media get to you. Justice will run its course and the world will regain balance.

The only way to prevent the planet from flying off orbit and keep it steadily spinning is to live our lives as if nothing was wrong.

Just for fun, Melissa still likes to strip naked, brand herself with crucifixes and run wildly through the streets screeching warnings about the coming apocalypse. If she doesn’t catch your attention that way, e-mail her at

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