I have worked at a local grocery store for over four years now and as the holiday season is quickly approaching, I would like to point out to all of you many of the things that I must deal with daily at work. While you may deny it at first, everyone has done at least one of these things before, so hopefully you will realize the awful pain and suffering that I am put through. All I ask if for a little understanding:
1. Operating a check stand allows you to meet many new and interesting people. (Understatement of the year.)
2. Writing checks to pay for your order went out with the skinny tie back in the 60s. It’s time we all embrace the debit card.
3. I don't mind if you talk on your cell phone while going through my line, just keep in mind that I will not raise my voice or give any extra effort to make sure you hear me. If I scan your bread 87 times, it’s not my fault.
4. If I'm on an express line for 15 items or less and you take your entire fully loaded cart, I can guarantee you that I will simply ring up however many orders you have of 15 items.
5. Here's an idea: let’s just leave our cart in the middle of the lane because I only have two bags anyway and maybe it will simply disappear and reappear back by the door with all the others. Think again, smart guy. I am the one who will put it back. There is no magic cart-returning fairy who takes care of your basket when you leave it there.
6. Want double paper bags put into plastic bags so they have handles? Forget it. Not happening.
7. Last time I checked, Albertsons is not a bank so don't go through my line and ask for 10 rolls of quarters back for your change — take that sh-- to Wells Fargo. It’s in the same damn store, like twenty feet away. If you ask for it, I will simply inhale slowly, look at you in the face for a few seconds, then casually glance at the bank, then back at you, then exhale, then back at the bank. I can assure you I will do my best to make sure you feel awkward.
8. Do not show up on Thanksgiving or other holidays and go through my line only to make smartass comments like, "Oh, it’s too bad your boss made you work today." Don't try to get on my side or be all buddy-buddy with me; I know the real reason I'm there sacrificing my holiday to ensure you can enjoy yours. The one and only reason I'm there is because you are too stupid to shop on the week before the holiday, therefore forcing the store to be open for you to get your last minute cranberry sauce. Don't blame my boss that the only reason I'm there is because you are shopping on a holiday. I blame you.
9. As I was writing the previous one, I remembered this one. I suppose it is only slightly alright if you shop on a holiday for a holiday-related item or two, but do not shop on Thanksgiving for bleach and a toothbrush. You can wait one damn day. Don't force me to be at work and away from my family because you all of a sudden care about your dental hygiene or that stain on your shirt.
10. I don't read the ads for the store before I go to work. Trust me, I don't sit at home and browse through it to make sure I'm up on all the sales each week, so don't go through my line and ask if Slim Jims are on sale that week because I have no idea — I just work there.
11. Don't vent to me. My job is to ring up your order as quickly and efficiently as possible and that is it. It's not my fault if there are no carts by the doors. It's not my fault if the yogurt is expired. It’s not my fault if we have no other cashiers open at that time. Don't take out your life’s frustrations on me; I'm just a part-time cashier.
12. Don't tell me your life history while I scan your items. Simply because I am a captive audience does not mean I care about your 6-year-old daughter’s toothache. If you start ranting on about yourself, I will likely smile and nod and try to scan even faster so that I can be done with you sooner. That, or I will respond with "yeah" or "uh huh" and then once you leave, I will make fun of you with the next customer in line with something to the effect of, "Did you get a load of that nut job?"
13. I will often open up with a "what's up, chief?" or "how’s it goin', boss?" simply to see the reaction I get out of you.
14. Do not tell me that we need more cashiers or complain that it is too busy or the lines are too long as you shop at 1 a.m. What do you expect? It’s 1 a.m. If you tell me that we need to hire more cashiers, I will likely tell you, “The applications are right over there. Go for it."
15. Here's a quick business lesson for you. If you insist that your items be double bagged, just remember that that’s twice the number of bags that are normally used. That means the company has to order more bags to replace the ones you needed, so they spend more money in ordering them. Can you guess where that extra money comes from? That’s right, your groceries. So if you need double bags — which you don't — then eventually we will have to raise our prices to pay for them, thus you will be charged more.
16. Do not thumb through a magazine as you wait in my line and then simply toss it into the breath mints and chewing gum. I will have to put it away. Just like the cart thing, no magic fairy goes around and puts your sh-- away. I do it. If you do this, I will normally say something like, "Oh, did you not want that magazine that you threw into the shelf?" or "Ma’am, let me get that magazine for you because it seems someone just tossed it away without realizing that I saw them do it." Once again, I will try my hardest to make you feel as awkward as possible.
Please take these points into consideration the next time you shop. It might make my day go by a little easier. Until then .
Your friendly neighborhood cashier,
Alex
Alex is hoping that you will visit him at work on Thanksgiving. Contact him at alex.bolt@asu.edu.
