As summer has zipped along (we somehow stand less than a month away from the start of fall semester), the weeks have turned into a blur, moving so fast that most of us need ACME products to help try to catch them.
This week was no exception.
If you couldn’t keep a close eye on it, here’s what you missed:
• FBI and IRS agents conducted stings in their long-running Operation Bid Rig investigation. The result was the arrest of 44 people in New Jersey and New York on charges of money laundering, political corruption and human organ trafficking. The arrested included five rabbis, three mayors and two New Jersey legislators. In other news, it is now funny to start jokes with the phrase, “Five rabbis, three mayors and two New Jersey legislators walk into a bar …”
• Newsweek’s cover declared, in grand fashion, “The recession is over!” Well, kind of. It’s over, they say, in the sense that seven of the Conference Board Leading Economic Index’s 10 economic indicators are pointing upward and economic output has stopped contracting, but not in the sense that we’re going to stop feeling it any time soon.
Unemployment is still expected to climb, among other not-so-pleasant pleasantries. Therefore, Newsweek gets this week’s Arizona Cardinals Award, for lifting us up only to watch us fall back down with a harder thud.
• Nadya Suleman, aka “Octomom,” inked a deal that will find herself and her 14 children starring in an upcoming reality TV show. The agreement with Eyeworks, a European production company, will have each child making $250 a day. With this payday, congratulations are in order for Suleman — her exploitation of her own poor children has reached the point where she joined the likes of Amy Winehouse and Kevin Federline on the Pathetic Inexplicably-Famous Celebrity All-Star team.
• The Tour de France came to a close and seven-time champion Lance Armstrong’s return to cycling’s greatest event was marked by the American hero wearing a color other than yellow. Armstrong’s teammate, Alberto Contador of Spain, beat out Luxembourg’s Andy Schleck by 4:11 seconds and came in 5:25 seconds ahead of Armstrong. For non-cycling fans, when converted into a more universal unit of sports measurement, the margin of victory was equal to one syringe.
• On Thursday, Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle threw the 18th perfect game in Major League Baseball history, shutting down the Tampa Bay Rays. Buehrle, who retired the side in the 9th inning with the help of center fielder DeWayne Wise’s spectacular home-run saving catch, was congratulated after the game with a phone call from White-Sox-Fan-in-Chief, President Barack Obama. Unfortunately for Buehrle, the president really only called to tell the pitcher that his health-insurance provider would be dropping his coverage because of a bruised left shoulder he sustained in 2002 when he was struck by a Hideki Matsui line drive.
• NASA confirmed that Jupiter was the site of an impact event. Scientists discovered a black spot, suspected to be a comet or asteroid hit, about the size of the Pacific Ocean on the planet’s surface. Naturally, this was good news as it reaffirmed my gender’s decision to go to Mars to get more candy bars and made females’ decision to go to Jupiter to get more stupider look even more foolish. Good thinking, gents.
Tell Ben your favorite joke about five rabbis at bberkley@asu.edu
