Picture this: Apocalypse. Where are you? Trapped in Hayden Library, the Memorial Union, Calculus and Analytical Geometry III or, worst-case scenario, the newsroom dungeon wrapped in a Snuggie.
The city of Tempe has a great business strategy: Not letting you leave.
Life within the confines of Tempe-city boundaries is rough: Sprinkles Cupcakes is in Scottsdale.
And when you need to satisfy that red-velvet-with-cream-cheese-frosting craving and it’s 10 minutes until closing time, you might be better off parking in the middle of a now one-lane Rural Road and walking to Jerry’s Drive-Thru Liquor to drown your sorrows another way.
The Arizona Department of Transportation has Tempe in a continuous rotation of construction, and an end isn’t in sight.
Remember that time you left Tempe in May, spent the summer at home, didn’t come back until August, and everything was still under construction? So do we.
Remember that time ASU had an (expected) enrollment of 69,000 students in session from August until early December and late January until May? So do we.
Remember that time ADOT only did construction when classes were in session? Oh yeah, so do we. It’s now. And it was that way last semester, and the one before that, too. You get the idea.
There doesn’t seem to be a lot of planning ahead for the city of Tempe, especially when it’s the weekend and, without warning, Rural Road is down to one lane and you can’t get on or off Loop 202 going either direction.
So ADOT, remember that time 69,000 students weren’t at ASU? Yeah, so do we. It was this summer, but no construction was finished then.
Isn’t there a more efficient process? Because altering every major street and freeway surrounding the Tempe campus while school’s in session is kind of like hiring extra winter employees at an ice cream shop… in Antarctica.
There has to be a better way.
If you didn’t know, ASU is the largest university in the country. But surely it’s more efficient to hire orange-vested workers to stand around in 110-degree heat directing obnoxious college students through a five-lanes-cut-down-to-one maze formerly known as Mill Avenue than to finish the work during winter or summer break.
Since planning ahead isn’t ADOT’s strong suit, here are some alternate transportation methods we suggest since driving isn’t really an option in Tempe if you actually want to get to work/class/home/your airbrushed fake-tan appointment in time:
A scooter. We know there’s still one gathering dust in the back of your parents’ garage since about sixth grade when they were so cool. (Don’t forget kneepads and a helmet because Tempe drivers have a serious case of road rage because, if you didn’t notice, there’s a lot of construction going on around here.)
A Segway. And maybe a chimpanzee to ride on it with you? Up to you, but remember: They’re not just for cops.
A jetpack. We know they haven’t been perfected yet, but c’mon, you go to the largest, and arguably, the most innovative college in the country… so invent one.
In this forever-in-a-state-of-renovation city, any way but the highway could be the only way to get around.
