Oh, National Basketball Association, you are so precocious and full of wonderment.
Heading into this season, you decided to show how you are growing up before our very eyes by making a few changes.
A few changes that were, well, not the right ones — let’s just say that.
And to coincide with this more responsible image, you are going to have replacement referees taking the floor to call all of the marvelous matchups if a deal between the league and the referee union can’t be reached.
Throwing them to the wolves? No, I’m sure Kobe won’t try to disembowel them when they miss that foul on him driving to the tin.
All I can say is good luck with that guy.
According to him, I think No. 24 gets fouled around 50 times a night, give or take a few.
But really, though, it should be fun to watch.
As far as the other changes to this new look league, you announced on Wednesday that the use of electronic communication devices to access sites, such as Twitter, would be prohibited from 45 minutes before the game to after the players finish their post-game media responsibilities.
But how is Shaq going to be able to talk to all of his “Tweeples?”
No, I don’t like that one.
The other change was hygienically driven and I think we found some common ground.
Handshakes are going to be substituted with other forms of bodily contact — fist pounds or chest bumps — between players and coaches out of fear of spreading and contracting the H1N1 flu.
There’s nothing wrong with trying to stay healthy, and who would not like to see both coaches give each other a little pre-game chest bump?
Handshakes are so outdated.
So, wow, you have really changed, NBA.
But I think you should have gone a little further.
For starters, Delonte West has convinced me that you should ban your players from carrying guns.
I mean, it would be a shame to lose one of your elite players, like the National Football League did with Plaxico Burress.
But let’s examine West’s recent blunder.
He was arrested in Maryland after he cut off a police officer and was subsequently pulled over.
Police discovered a handgun in his pocket, another in his pant leg and a shotgun in a guitar case strapped to his back – a freaking shotgun in a guitar case.
This guy really wakes up and says to himself, “I’m going for a motorcycle ride in Maryland armed to the teeth like Desperado.”
So, mull that one over NBA.
Next, I would propose a limit on tattoos.
It’s getting a little absurd, wouldn’t you say?
Can you even get drafted by the Denver Nuggets if you do not have 35 tats?
And the one athlete who made me realize just how ridiculous it is getting is Washington Wizards guard DeShawn Stevenson.
He recently tattooed the Pittsburgh Pirates “P” on his cheek, but he had it tattooed backwards, making it look more like a nine.
Stevenson claims it is in fact a “P” for his favorite baseball team.
I guess some things are best left alone.
Also recently added was a nice portrayal of Abraham Lincoln on his neck with two number fives on both sides.
Sweet.
The kicker, however, is the crack he had done on his forehead.
“I always feel like people try to break me, but I don’t crack,” Stevenson said to reporters at Washington Wizards media day this week. “So, I put that there.”
You don’t crack, except on your forehead?
So, good luck with the season and everything, NBA. Let me know if you want to take any of my advice.
