I am obsessed with grammatical correctness.
I wouldn’t consider myself a grammar police officer, though. I never twirled a metaphorical nightstick or displayed my metaphorical badge since I was never that vociferous or authoritative.
I would, however, consider myself a member of the neighborhood grammar watch.
It’s embarrassing, really, but I distinctly remember gently reminding my friends in elementary school that farther describes distance and further describes extent.
Or that “real” was an adjective meaning genuine and should never be substituted for the adverb “really.” After my middle school English teacher made this mistake, I actually approached her after class. I thought I was being really authoritative — not “real” authoritative, mind you — when I pretended to ask about the difference between adjectives and adverbs.
And she responded with incredible politeness that she didn’t know if this particular difference was even relevant anymore.
“Grammar rules often change,” she said. “English is always evolving.”
This answer was hardly satisfying. A language shouldn’t evolve because a majority of people are too indifferent or uneducated to know the difference between good grammar and bad grammar.
And people actually are too uneducated to know the difference. A survey by The Conference Board finds an astonishing 72 percent of incoming high school graduates don’t have a basic understanding of grammar and spelling.
Really? Is our generation still recovering from the grammatical quagmire of incessant IMing and texting?
If you think my English snobbishness is impressive, you should read David Foster Wallace’s article on lexicography published in Harper’s Magazine. Wallace, of course, was the critically-acclaimed author who maintained, even while writing fiction, a passionate love affair with footnotes.
The article is interesting and Wallace defends his conservative grammatical correctness with typically encyclopedic zest (and numerous footnotes).
“[S]ome ways of using language are ‘better’ than others” in communicating basic ideas, he said, saying our ancestors needed to explain things clearly or people might die.
That’s slightly dramatic, though. And after many frustrated glances from friends, I have thankfully reduced my obsession with grammatical correctness to sighing internally. (I’m so grammatically trendy starting a sentence with a conjunction!)
This introduction was really one massive pretense for a hilarious phenomenon sweeping the Twitterscape: the Fake AP Stylebook.
For those unfamiliar with the real AP Stylebook, it contains, among other things, an official style and usage guide from the Associated Press. It answers all those burning questions you have about awkward hyphenations and whether it is acceptable to abbreviate Drive when writing addresses. (It’s not.)
The Fake AP Stylebook includes indispensible suggestions like:
- Commas are probably the most misunderstood of all punctuation. They frequently dress in black, listen to sad music and cut themselves.
- Use quotation marks to express skepticism: Cher’s “Farewell Tour,” Creed’s “Best Album,” Jay Leno’s “comedy.”
- Do not use “hung jury” until you’ve dated them a couple of times and you can confirm.
Seriously though, while I would appreciate it if our generation generally stopped sucking at grammar, I’m becoming more apathetic about the whole situation.
Because, as the Fake Stylebook points out, “there are differences between ‘pass,’ ‘enact,’ ‘approve’ and ‘adopt,’ but remember: your readers don’t care.”
Show David you care at david.k.edwards.1@asu.edu.
