Each week, ASU students face an adversary that is both more common and more perilous than anything that is to be warned of in even the most conclusive student handbook.
Peers, classmates and future students be warned. When you step into that lecture hall, your attention and auditory senses may fall victim to the — dramatic pause — classmate who never shuts up. By nature, this beast is much more dangerous than any chatty Cathy you may have experienced in your jaunt through the education system.
The evil-twin of the “Frat-bro who can recall the number of beers it takes him to black out yet not a single constitutional amendment,” the “classmate who never shuts up and answers every question” may pose an even bigger threat to collegiate society because of his or her greater ability to blend in.
At first glance, teachers and peers alike may simply deem the perpetrator an eager student or one who is engaged in the material and provides intelligent contributions to the overall discussion.
However, as the semester goes on and days pass like minutes on the clock, the lecture hall is transformed into an academic tribunal in which “the classmate who never shuts up” begins to feel the need to be the most knowledgeable person in the room. With roots in English literature and a history of sightings dating back to the first classes of Harvard University, “the classmate who never shuts up” may in fact show his or her face in classes of any academic discipline.
With all of this being said, although everyone who comes in contact with these students begins to harbor inner feelings of irritation and the utmost annoyance toward the never-ending talkers, we are somehow rendered too polite to speak our minds and the “classmate who never shuts up,” continues in his or her bothersome ways without ever picking up on how he or she is perceived.
This is why I have composed an open letter to the classmate who never shuts up.
I encourage all those who read this column and share my sentiments to let your voice be heard. Leave the newspaper on his desk, send a suggesting look his or her way or simply beat them to the punch and raise your hand first.
To whom it may concern:
Thank you for lending your profoundly perceptive insight to today’s lecture. Speaking on behalf of the 92 other students in this room, we really would have been lost had you not read the footnotes from the textbook aloud, passing them off as your own ideas.
In all seriousness, we really do appreciate the times when you repeat exactly what the teacher says verbatim. Who knows if I would have gotten that part about the Robert Frost’s symbolism if I had continued contemplating all the ways for me to cut off my ears when you speak.
But please don’t think you’re being witty by replacing the name of the protagonist with “that one dude” or paraphrasing a line of text using modern slang — equating the words of Langston Hughes to some poorly thought out analogy involving Lil’ Wayne and America’s obsession with fast food.
But it’s about time you stopped battling the teacher for microphone time, save your ideas for the essay test, and do us all a favor by shutting up.
Sincerely, The rest of the student body
To be fair, in a balanced world of academia, for “every classmate that never shuts up,” there are thousands of other students taking some very expensive naps.
Send your letters to bkarris@asu.edu
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