A few weeks back, I composed an open letter to everyone’s favorite over-achiever, the classmate who never shuts up. Now, either I’m an uptight, egotistical, hipster-jerk who needs to stop complaining, or the world really is out to get me.
I’m going with the latter, which is why I have drafted a few more open letters addressed to multiple people and fast food items.
Dear McDonald’s McRib:
Who are you really? You’re not fooling anyone with that smoky BBQ sauce guise and sesame seed bun get-up. And what do you mean, “you’re back?” Why make such a big show of it with the huge window signs and television commercials? It’s not like once this limited time offer at participating locations is over you won’t pack up your eco-friendly cardboard container and leave us again for another 10 months. Did the “Big N’ Tasty” call in sick? Where were you all that time anyway? I find it to be quite a coincidence that as soon as Senorita XXL Chalupa is back in town you just waltz back in and act like we should be celebrating your triumphant return. You’re certainly no Big Mac and will never be a Burger King. I think it’s time you show yourself for what you truly are, you rubbery, greasy, overly processed and preservative-filled pork imitation. Stop living a lie. It wouldn’t kill you to spend some time with the McNuggets, either; they look up to you so much.
Dear random bro on a long board who almost killed me last week:
I hate to be the bearer of bummers, but just because you’re wearing Vans, it doesn’t mean you’ll be able to skateboard. I know it’s fun to feel the wind in your hair. I know you idolize Rob Dyrdek and Bam Margera, and I know skateboarding is also a great means of transportation. However, just like your fraternity, it’s not for everyone. Why not stick to things you’re good at? Shotgun some beers, paddle one of your brothers or go work out. But stay off the skateboards and maybe you won’t almost run anyone over or send your board shooting out from under your feet when you lose control. When I see you collide with another bro or maybe a lackadaisical biker, I can’t help but smile. But, for the most part, GTFO of everyone’s way.
Dear girl on the phone in the Computer Commons:
Because you didn’t get the hint when I repeatedly glared at you, or when the girl next to you nicely asked you to keep it down; let me ask: Are you actually speaking to someone on the other end? I know it might be important for you to give a detailed account of how you were “so pissed, that they didn’t sell Four Loko at Circle K” or the shocking news that “Derek kissed Stacy, who was dating Billy and also sleeping with Dave from The Vue.” But the rest of us are trying to do some homework we’ve been procrastinating on.
Tell Ben what grinds your gears bkarris@asu.edu
