The movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” dispelled many gender myths about the laws of attraction, namely, that if a guy isn’t calling you, dating you or marrying you — he’s just not that into you.
According to New York Time’s writer Katrin Bennhold, there’s one myth the book seems to have left out. Apparently, the charismatic and ambitious career-oriented women we all thought men want are the very women men try to avoid.
Asking the question, “Is female empowerment killing romance?” Bennhold interviewed relationship experts and those in relationships, arguing that men don’t want successful women.
Using trends in dating sites as proof of this claim, Bennhold says the statistics “seem to suggest that highly educated women have more trouble finding a partner than women in more traditionally female jobs.” Backing this clam is Gesine Haag, who used to oversee Germany’s Match.com.
Haag told Bennhold that when the site pairs customers with other users, women with more educated profiles are more difficult to match.
“Men don’t want successful women, men want to be admired,” she said. “It’s important to them that the woman is full of energy at night and not playing with her BlackBerry in bed.”
Though probably enough to earn more than a few eye rolls from Gloria Steinam, Haag’s words seem to have some truth to them.
Yet, rather than offering advice for ambitious women put in these awkward dating situations, Bennhold suggests that they avoid these relationships altogether.
Using advice she received from Anke Domsheit-Berg, female director of government relations in Germany, Benhold had this advice to offer: “Leave the snazzy company car at home on the first date; find your life partner in your 20s, rather than your 30s, before you’ve become too successful. And go after men who draw their confidence from sources other than money, like academics and artists.”
That’s great advice for women interested in dating slam poets and emo guitarists, but what about everyone else?
Categorizing romantic compatibility based on stereotypes has never led to a fairytale romance. Simply because a man is or is not an artist or academic does not mean he will feel a certain way about successful women.
Another thing Benhold’s advice does — other than asking women to put a timer on finding love and to hide their success until they’ve hooked their man — is give all the freedom of choosing a partner up to men.
If a man doesn’t want to date a powerful woman, then he ends the relationship. But if a woman is powerful and looking for a man, then her options are limited.
There are many women in the world who would rather be alone than with a partner who resents their independence, a lot of who probably wouldn’t even consider being with a man that made a lower income than them anyway.
Men haven’t been comfortable with female empowerment since the Stone Age, and their gender isn’t likely to change their opinion on the subject of female empowerment anytime soon.
For now, women shouldn’t shortchange themselves simply to find partners that can put up with their success.
Send Jessica comments at jrstone3@asu.edu
