If you operate a motor-vehicle within Tempe city limits, more specifically in the proximity between Broadway Road and the Loop 202 or anywhere remotely close to ASU, chances are on a weekly basis at any given time your blood pressure experiences a dramatic increase, you find yourself continually showing up late to work and school.
Or in my case actually becoming so enraged with traffic that I got out of my car and ran on the hoods of the other cars around me because the package that I needed to deliver was extremely urgent.
Actually, that last part was probably just the traffic-induced hallucination that I suffered or a scene from a Will Smith movie, but you get the point, traffic in this town sucks.
In fact, this week I witnessed a boy on his bicycle get hit by a car in front of America’s Taco Shop as a result of the congestion that plagues the corner of University Drive and Rural Road.
We all react to traffic differently: My brother will scream at the top of his lungs and give you the middle finger while others might simply express their dissatisfaction via their Facebook status. However, the truth is we’re all in it together.
This served as the inspiration behind an open letter to Tempe traffic.
Dear Tempe Traffic,
I know a lot of you drivers out there are out-of-state students from New Jersey, but do we need to go back to the basics? Red means “STOP” and green means “GO!”
What? You couldn’t hear me over that new Ke$ha song blaring out of your sound system? Yeah, the speed limit is 35, so um, speed up “Miss Hot and Dangerous.”
Traffic iz what it iz. Does that help?
And to all you locals on the road going 15 mph, it’s just rain! You see it for like 35 days out the year; it’s not like you should forget how to drive in it. That’s about how long the McRib is in town, yet I don’t think anyone needs reminding of how to eat one of those.
Really bro, you’re going to go through that yellow light in that huge truck when the car in front of you is clearly already backed up into the middle of the intersection?
Oh my gosh, look over there, is that an imprint from Bigfoot? Oh, no, that’s just your carbon footprint. Have you ever thought about riding a bike? Actually, never mind, I’ve seen you on that long board so maybe just downsize to a sports sedan and don’t drive like you just got your license.
Speaking of bikes, I sincerely hope that the bicyclist whom I saw get hit by (or who hit, I’m not entirely sure whose fault it was) the white car in front of America’s Taco Shop last Thursday is OK. I saw that you got up right away, but that flip over the hood was pretty gnarly.
Tempe traffic, need I say more? Like Rosie O’Donnell, you’re an unrelenting force that I fear will never cease to exist.
I mean, the light rail has deterred you in some parts of town but I feel like you resurface in others as soon as you see your orange and white construction zones.
Forever Yours,
Ben Karris
Share your bumper to bumper experiences with Ben at Bkarris@asu.edu
