When Arnold Schwarzenegger left Hollywood in 2003 to serve as Governor of California, he left a giant-Austrian-goliath-sized hole in the hearts and dreams of action junkies worldwide.
Sure, there were those who stepped up and tried to fill the void.
Jason Statham brought over some UK bangers and mash to our Yankee theater screens. Dwayne Johnson is a fairly strong leading man, as long as he isn’t in some Ice-Cube-esque PG fair. Even good old Sylvester “Leatherface” Stallone has made a comeback in recent years.
But like an ex-stoner weaning off of Mother Nature’s medicine with Spice will tell you, nothing compares to the real deal.
Over the past eight years we have been cruelly teased with the messiah’s return, with too-short cameo after too-short cameo.
In 2006, he stole the show the displayed the wide breadth of his acting abilities in Pixar’s “Cars” as Sven, the governor of California. In 2009, his creepy CGI face was the only saving grace of McG’s Linkin Park music video “Terminator Salvation.” OK, his cameo in “The Expendables” was pretty awesome.
So, last week, when Schwarzenegger announced his permanent return to the entertainment industry after the close of his political run, I was giddy like a schoolgirl.
Our grotesquely muscular, gun-toting, funny-accented savior was back, ready to usher in a new golden age of guiltless violence with sacraments of explosions, baby oil and increasingly less subtle misogyny.
I should have known better.
Feeling like John Connor in T3, yeah, the Terminator is ba-a-ack, but things are just not the same.
Schwarzenegger has decided to lead his triumphant Hollywood return with “The Governator,” a children-aimed superhero cartoon and comic book set to release next year, according to Entertainment Weekly.
Wait, what?
Made in collaboration with Stan Lee — because wherever there’s money to be made and superheroes vaguely involved, Stan Lee is nearby — the series will depict an animated doppelganger Arnold trying to balance everyday family life in suburbia with his superhero outings. Fresh off his gubernatorial tenure, he’ll combat criminals, monsters and robots alike with “solar powered suits” and “eco-friendly gadgets.”
The Hummer gods are shedding tears, Arnold. Black, oily tears.
To truly understand the insanity, however, one needs to see the show’s trailer, which debuted at Cannes of all places.
Sporting the stiff animations and sloppily-drawn character models of a DeVry student project, the trailer depicts Schwarzenegger’s very questionable home-conduct.
Arnold, after witnessing a robot attack on San Francisco rushes into his underground lair, appropriately named the “Arnold Cave.” There he meets his group of teenage tech geeks and mechanical whiz kids who help him don one of his many, detailed combat su…
Wait, is Arnold Schwarzenegger hiding gifted children underneath his house?
Anyway, he puts on some cheesy looking gray Iron Man rip-off and drives off on a ridiculous motorcycle, all while “Pump It” by the Black Eyed Peas starts playing.
My nose started bleeding at the first hint of will.i.am’s voice, so I stopped watching.
Mr. Schwarzenegger, nay, Arnold. I want to have faith. I really do, but you’re testing me so. Why have you forsaken me?
Reach David at dsydiong@asu.edu
