I’m not good with people.
I am open — unabashedly candid, even — about how socially awkward I can be. I am introverted.
I’m not incapable of being social, though, and perhaps neither are you. I can do small talk and I can interact with people politely.
As I contemplated the language of anxiety in a column I wrote a few weeks ago, I posited the following: Introverts, not extroverts, make up the majority of our generation. Like Bryan Walsh said in Time magazine, I prefer to be alone, and I have a “lower threshold for stimulation,” maybe just like you do.
Just compare the number of hours spent receiving quieter, less intense stimuli from a computer screen to time spent mingling with people in crowded rooms. We don’t willfully subject ourselves to large groups of people because we simply don’t like being around them. We don’t even like doing group work in classes.
What we lack in extroverted expression, we make up for in small talk.
Common expressions such as, “How are you?” and, “So, what did you do this weekend?” dominate our conversations. The next time you meet someone new, count the number of times these small questions are asked before you begin to talk about something truly meaningful to you both.
After a bond has been made, talk is still small. It doesn’t get much smaller than the “Like” button on Facebook or three-letter abbreviations sent in text messages. Because of the quantity of “connections” made via social networking sites like Facebook, we become perceived as more socially savvy than our generational counterparts, when in fact we are a generation of introverts hiding in extroverts’ clothing — a generation of social duds that can’t stop small talking.
The inability to communicate is not a symptom of our generation’s social awkwardness. To the contrary, we are awkward because of the thoughts we have, but don’t share and the powerful feelings we have, but don’t immediately commit to words. Instead, we bury our thoughts and feelings, suppressing them under the weight of needless small talk. We are good at talking small, but are inept at making meaningful connections. We use so many words and can communicate in so many ways only to say nothing at all.
Consider saying to an acquaintance, “Would you like to be my friend?” or even more directly, “How would you like to build a meaningful connection with me?” While he or she may find the directness of the question refreshing, I doubt your gesture will be met with immediate friendship. At best, you will have your acquaintance intrigued. But at worst, you will have made your acquaintance deeply uncomfortable. Your motivations will undoubtedly be questioned. What your gesture lacked was small talk: “How’s the weather? Did you like so-and-so’s class? Did you do the homework?”
Why is it mandatory to preempt connections with these small questions? Perhaps it’s because people have to be won over, hand-held to security before connecting with you in a real, human way. Perhaps our generation is too self-conscious or scared to be direct. We use small talk to qualify our deeper motivations. We talk small perhaps because it is easier, less risky to admit: We want real human moments. We want to be noticed and we want to connect with each other on a real, more meaningful, human level.
Connect with the columnist at ctruong1@asu.edu or by following her on Twitter @ce_truong
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