For those who are not gainfully employed or dropouts of the educational system, spring break is but days away. Many in fact have already begun to celebrate this most anticipated week of the year, deservedly so with the exception of only a few cases.
Sadly, with as much fun and frivolity that will undoubtedly take place, mistakes and irreversible harm lurk around every corner.
Having seen and experienced both the good and the bad life has to offer, I feel it is my duty to impart some words of wisdom to those with lingering questions or doubts of what to do, as well as what not to do with the coming week.
Take it for what it is worth, but understand that had I received any of this advice when I needed it the most, (potentially) things would have gone so much smoother. I come to you now as a peer, one whose interest and motivation resides somewhere between care and concern, and nothing more.
Regardless of their individual or collective histories, St. Patrick’s Day and spring break go hand in hand.
Personally, I’ve grown past the stage of going out for St. Patrick’s Day. If I wanted to be surrounded by amateurs, I’d go to an open-mic night in Scottsdale. Nevertheless, “to each their own,” as I always say. I’m not so old that I can’t see the attraction for those who have circled this particular day on their calendars (or have had Siri remind them).
By all means, have fun – just don’t drink the green beer. As aesthetically pleasing as it might be and as cute as you might find it, you will regret every last drop you let pass your lips. Food coloring is meant for Jell-O, not beer. I won’t go into detail, but suffice it to say that on the nights in which I partook, regret is all I knew the following morning.
While on the subject of bars/bar hopping, chili cheese fries should be avoided at all costs. This might sound strange given how delicious fries, cheese and chili are, when had individually, but something terrible happens when combined.
The fries become soggy due to the green house-like effect the cheese has as it solidifies atop, shamefully reducing the chili to serve as “the pollutant” (of all things!) – A fate not fit for any chili, even those from cans. Furthermore, being reduced to eat with a fork, in this instance, is an abomination of epic proportions. For whatever reason, it just doesn’t work.
Lastly, with the amount of free time that will present itself and with the amount of sunbathing many of you will use to fill this time, ice cream usually enters the picture. I am personally a fan of both. I have, however, learned that gummy bears have no place within this creamy creation of the gods.
Eating rocks isn’t fun or delicious, and that is exactly what becomes of these modern-day gummy miracles of flavor and experience. I also stand against genetically engineered mint-flavored syrups. If you can’t afford – at a minimum – Andes Mints, don’t waste my time (or yours).
For you sunbathers, use lotion. As for you worker bees and slackers, enjoy the Facebook activity to come.
Reach the columnist at jbfortne@asu.edu
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