In today’s ever-expanding universe, the battle between the dudes and bros knows no equal.
For many of you, the idea that war has been waged between these two unlikely factions is laughable at best. But believe me when I say that the fate of the entire world rests in the hands of these two most significant subcultures of our time.
Many moons ago, in a far off distant land known simply as “the 90s,” the dude ran free. Uninhibited by the constraints of the society that surrounded him, the dude showed us that there was another way to live life. Laid back, relaxed — the dude seemed to have all the answers.
In the waning days and hours of the 20th century, the world seemed on the brink of total destruction by way of Y2K. The dude, in his infinite wisdom, realized that this was, of course, a foolish concept to fear. While we pawns scurried around and horded all that we could, the dude moved into the 21st century with a full night’s rest.
When he awoke however, the dude found that he was not alone. Another, one far more sinister and detrimental to the fabric of our reality emerged, its name — the bro.
Like any good leech or parasite, bros took the traits of the dude and claimed them as their own. If we don’t do something to stop them, the Mayan prophesy might ring true.
Aside from the neon colored tank tops, the hat worn backwards with tuffs of hair squirting out the front and their precious long boards, the bro took the fashion of the dude (t-shirt, shorts, skateboard) and morphed their appearance into composites of villains from 80s teen movies.
In addition to backward fashion trends, the bro also infiltrated the music world. Embracing and supporting acts known more for gimmicks than substance, the current musical landscape features more flash in the pan artists than ever before. Bros don’t have a singer/songwriter for their generation, not even a poet. They have a Skrillex — whatever that is.
The mindset of the bro is even more important than his fashion or music tastes. With core tenants stolen directly from the dude’s manifesto, the bro has taken the dude’s unique powers and used it for evil.
The dude, in all his glory, redefined a culture by contributing the least amount possible. While the dude seemed to have no concerns, the social and political interests of the dude were dealt with head-on.
The bro has no concerns, period. The bro focuses only on fame, sex, money and intimidation.
Moving forward might be harder than we think. Like most endangered species, the dude has a new predator — the hipster. Fueled by parental trust funds, the hipster seems to be a bizarre hybrid of both the dude and bro, with minimal personality.
If the hipsters and bros of the world have their way, a very real culture war is inevitable. Forget the upper, middle and lower classes. Battles like this are fought and won in the trenches of subcultures.
The dude may be our last best chance for survival. Hopefully he’ll get off the couch before it’s too late.
Reach the columnist at jbfortne@asu.edu or follow the columnist on Twitter at @JOMOFO40
