(Photo courtesy of Hawaiian Films Partners Distribution)1/5 Pitchfork
Neediness is never attractive. This movie felt so needy that it got repulsive — Oh, laugh at this! Isn’t this funny? Please like me. “You May Not Kiss The Bride” kept trying to make its audience laugh, but failed miserably each time. The humor felt like a 15-year-old boy wrote it and he sent it off to a creepy 40-year-old for editing. The 40-year-old then gave it to his 5-year-old niece to get the “woman perspective” and the script was ready to be shot. That might also explain why this film felt all over the place.
A pet photographer who dresses animals in wacky clothes is forced to marry a Croatian mobster's daughter because of an incident involving the mobster’s wife’s cat. The main character, played by Dave Annable, had much to do with the horrid quality of this picture — he was just awful. Annable started out as a television actor and it clearly shows. When he acts with some of the better actors, his underdeveloped acting skills stand out and it brings down the entire film completely — when the main character is bad, the whole film becomes bad.
To make the fun times roll, the filmmakers casted Rob Schneider. Casting Schneider is a sure sign that the filmmakers did not care about telling a meaningful love story. Every scene he was in, every frame, was like pulling teeth.
The only highlight of the film is Kathy Bates. She always gives her best in all her roles, but she could not save this train wreck.
The narrative is so implausible; a mobster forced a photographer to marry his daughter because of an injured cat; the daughter, who was born and raised in Croatia, speaks flawless English without an accent and Rob Schneider is Hawaiian. Even comedies have to have some plausibility. If the story was told competently it might have been believable, but it was all drivel.
Katharine McPhee is the mobster’s daughter that Annable’s character has to marry. She is a hyper-sexualized woman that has instant chemistry with her forced spouse. The other female character, played by Mena Suvari, is Annable’s assistant and is also a hyper-sexualized woman who instantly fell in love with the main character — they are basically the same character.
The only difference is that one is portrayed as an innocent woman that is held back by her oppressive father and one is a crazy blonde. The film tries to make McPhee’s character three-dimensional and independent, but no one is fooled by the façade. Suvari, the crazy blonde, is just one-dimensional — they didn’t even try with her.
This movie is not for women, and a romantic comedy unsuited for women is unheard of. The two main female characters are not portrayed in a positive light. Every time a woman is on screen, the filmmakers go out of their way to make her look as sexual as possible. Again, the movie’s opinion of women seems like it came from a 15-year-old or a creepy 40-year-old man.
“You May Not Kiss The Bride” is a waste of time — time that could have been spent more productively by reading a book, going to the gym or watching paint dry. Nothing is redeemable about this film. The story had a typical cut-and-paste formula, the cinematography was run-of-the-mill, the acting was bland and the overall experience was just painful. Any advocate against the romantic comedy genre now has a prime example for their argument. A shameful addition to the genre that definitely should be avoided, “You May Not Kiss The Bride” is a joke, and not a funny one.
Reach the reporter at tverti@asu.edu
