Why going to ASU makes sense

One day, as I was riding my bike to a 7:30 a.m. class, I hearkened back to the end of my first semester. It was freezing cold by Arizona standards, and I passed a girl whom I saw most mornings on my way to that class, clad in roughly the same attire I had seen her in the first week of class: daisy dukes and a belly-revealing shirt.

It made total sense to me. I mean, why dress practically when you could dress comfortably? In fact, maybe University officials could consider implementing a ban on tops that pass below the waistline and bottoms that pass the fingertip rule test.

Banning appropriate clothing seems just as reasonable as banning, oh I don’t know, smoking on campus or those dangerous and irresponsible bicyclists: Shame on those two-wheeling blockheads for running over those innocent pedestrians.

I don’t know about you, but I just feel super motivated to give the right of way to a “bro dog” strutting in the middle of the walkway, oblivious to everything but the Vine he’s intently watching. Of course, I understand why that Vine just can’t wait. He won’t be able to use his iPhone in class, because such objects are strictly prohibited by every class syllabus’s code of conduct.

Speaking of appropriate conduct, ASU needs to do a better job of promoting STD prevention. You know, why would anyone want to wait to have sex with just one person? That concept is so outdated. Why bother abstaining when there are $0.50 condom dispensers?

Besides, it’s not like students have a choice. According to one student, “Sometimes you just happen to be naked.”

It makes me wonder, how does that happen? It’s not as if local bars provide incentive to over-consume alcohol. No, I’m sure they’re doing their part to promote responsible drinking. It would just be totally irresponsible to offer dollar drinks on a Wednesday. Could you imagine such a fiasco?

Then again, it makes total sense. Why be an engineer and bust your tail when you can be a communications major and get plastered on a Wednesday night? Seriously though, there just aren’t enough credible degree options out there.

I think ASU could really bolster its image if it would offer more degrees that are tolerant of everyone’s capabilities, especially those who suffer from the recently discovered disorder: laziness.

Not everyone was born with the work ethic gene, so it’s only fair that we accommodate those folks and make sure they feel included. We wouldn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.

Plus, while they’re at it, maybe they could add some more required classes.

I think I remember a 100-level sociology course going something like this: “F-bomb. I really value your education. F-bomb. I don’t want to impose my beliefs on anyone. F-bomb.”

What a can’t-miss that class was. I’m serious. There were clicker points for attendance.

As I wrap up my time at this University, I’m trying to think of some serious advice I could give, and only one thing’s coming to mind: "Bro! You gotta one strap it!"

Just don’t take me too seriously. That's not what ASU culture is about.

Reach the columnist at mrrich2@asu.edu or follow him on Twitter @cshmneyrichard

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