2016 Republican candidates: white llamas or black llamas?

(Photo courtesy of 12 News) (Photo courtesy of 12 News)

If there's anything the world did NOT learn during last Thursday's "llama drama," it's that chasing a llama will only make it run away from you. Likewise, many of the recent Republican presidential candidates have not quite grasped what it takes to win an election.

The nation watched as two llamas, one white and one black, ran amok after escaping from their trailer.

The white llama showed a tendency to run ahead and dive into oncoming traffic, while the black llama followed. The black llama was the first to be lassoed by bystanders and cooperated quietly.

Despite a valiant fight for another 15 minutes, the white llama too was forced to surrender, but was sure to show its stubborn disregard for authority while in captivity.

The tea party is standing on the proverbial sidelines, trying to lasso a candidate into supporting their agenda. With the 2016 election on the horizon, it's time for the GOP to stop running around Sun City and find a candidate with an electable platform.

Here's a run down of which candidates are black llamas and which are white llamas amongst the group of potential GOP nominees.

Jeb Bush - White Llama

Jeb's the favorite son of Barbara and George Bush Sr., but he took the road less traveled and pursued the governorship of Florida rather than stick around in Washington with his father, leaving his older brother George W. Bush to win the presidency in 2000 and 2004.

The Bush name doesn't sit too well with many Americans these days, which is unfortunate for Jeb because on paper he could be the moderate candidate the GOP needs right now.

Jeb is a white llama, because he has the guts to defy the Tea Party and stick to his moderate stances.

Scott Walker - Black Llama

From his terms as governor of Wisconsin, Walker has a lot to brag about to the GOP, and even survived a recall election. Upset residents of Wisconsin tried to have him recalled due to his ruthless budget-balancing and willingness to war with the unions.

He's topping most polls right now, but for how long? As the Tea Party's current darling, Walker is a black llama.

Ben Carson - White Llama

Who? If you haven't heard of him, that's probably because he's not a politician. He's a neurosurgeon. So we can be sure he's got the brains, pun intended, for the job, but the presidency might be a little too lofty of a goal for a new guy in Washington.

Though he's been criticized recently for comments about homosexuality being a choice, it's impressive that someone with no political experience is doing as well as he is in the polls. Total white llama move.

Marco Rubio - Black Llama

Rubio was once thought to be the GOP's saving grace. A Latino, self-made man from Florida, he had the perfect background to be groomed into an electable candidate.

But back in 2013, Rubio took a huge hit when the immigration legislation he poured himself into was rejected by the very Republicans he worked so hard to win over. Since then, he's become a black llama, sticking to the sidewalks and surrendering peacefully.

Chris Christie - Black Llama

Christie has been attempting to groom himself for 2016 ever since the last election. Notably he lost weight and has been more vocal about his actions as governor of New Jersey, proudly announcing he vetoed Planned Parenthood funding as governor of New Jersey five times.

Even among Republicans, he's not a front runner, so the chances of him being elected are low.

Rick Perry - White Llama

The fact that Perry, former governor of Texas, is even considering running again after forgetting one of the agencies he would eliminate as president during a 2011 debate on national television ("Oops," -Perry) is admirable. Only a white llama would dream to try again.

Ted Cruz - White Llama

Cruz redefined speech-giving in his attempt to defund Obamacare back in 2013 by speaking for over 21 hours, though technically not a filibuster. He even read children's bed time stories like Dr. Seuss' "Green Eggs and Ham." But his shot at the White House is unlikely due to his past stunts like this. Sure, he's a tea party member, but he stops at nothing and has the heart of a white llama.

Mike Huckabee - White Llama

You gotta give the guy some credit, he left his job with Fox News to try for the presidency again. Even with a lasso around his neck, you can be sure the former Arkansas governor will fight with all the protections allowed in the Constitution. If anyone is a true white llama, it's Huckabee.

 

Reach the reporter at enichol3@asu.edu or follow @LizNichols4 on Twitter.

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