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There are certain topics that spark universally heated discussion and heavily formed opinions among nearly everyone baited into talking about them. Two of these topics are presidential candidates and Mario Kart.

Individually, both garner long and lengthy analysis, but for sake of time and endless amusement, I have taken the liberty of combining the two.

In no particular order, here is a breakdown of the 2016 presidential candidates as Mario Kart characters in 3-2-1-Go!

Hillary Clinton as Princess Peach

There’s no questioning the fact that Clinton is the female ruler of the political realm, just like Princess Peach is to the Mushroom Kingdom.

But much like Peach, Clinton’s greatest strength and weakness both lie in her almost obsessive attention to appearances. The perfect image of feminine delicacy, Peach never makes a move that isn’t carefully and gracefully calculated. In the same way, Clinton’s every word is clearly rehearsed and eloquently expressed.

While both Clinton and Peach manage to win hearts with their charm, they would likely be nowhere without the aid of their extensive staff, whether it be PR people or Toads. 

When charm fails, both Peach and Clinton can rely on the support of women who vote strictly on a gender-basis. Unfortunate but true.


Donald Trump as Wario

Wario, like Trump, is loud, unusual and generally offensive in every way. It’s difficult to say if either of these characters are truly villains or simply misguided social nuisances.

Regardless, both are desperate to be the lead character — the front runner. They will hoop, holler and gain plenty of attention on the way, but probably (hopefully) won’t ever be the hero.

The scary part is that there will always be some tool who plays as Wario ironically, and like Wario, Trump has enough meme-appeal to reel in those joking votes that stop being funny when he actually wins.


Bernie Sanders as Bowser

The oldest of the bunch and thoroughly crotchety, Bowser is the perfect parallel to Bernie Sanders.

Sanders, like Bowser, is on a mission, and he will roar and growl until he gets there. Just like Bowser trying to bring down the Mushroom Kingdom, Sanders is determined to destroy America’s golden fortress — capitalism.

Their methods may be controversial, but both those who love Bowser or Sanders really love him. Each may seem like a bit of a dark horse, but look out — they may surprise you.


Ted Cruz as Yoshi

Much like Yoshi, Ted Cruz comes off as fairly harmless and goofy-looking. Cruz and Yoshi probably don’t have the most intense cult-following, but they each have their own consistent, if moderate, fanbase.

This trickster always tends to get overlooked until they snatch a win right at the end, and we all wonder where the hell they came from.


Jeb Bush as Dry Bones

When Dry Bones was first introduced as a character, he seemed pretty cool. Similarly, Jeb Bush got a fair amount of attention at the beginning of his campaign, but now?

We don’t really know who Dry Bones is. We don’t really know who Jeb Bush is, and honestly, who cares?


Related Links:

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Supporters open office in continued Bernie-mentum

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Editor’s note: The opinions presented in this column are the author’s and do not imply any endorsement from The State Press or its editors.

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