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Being vocal in the bedroom is the key to a great sex life

Why communicating with your partner will create a better sex life

vocal in sex lives

"Being more vocal about what one wants in their sex live can be beneficial to both partners." Illustration published Monday Jan. 23, 2017

Most college students understand that their voices matter. We raise our voices within our communities, desperate for them to be heard. 

However, there's one place where many of our voices fall eerily silent, and our attitudes become passive: the bedroom. College students often don’t understand how to be vocal in the bedroom.

This isn’t some bizarre Cosmopolitan sex tip. This is about telling your partner your preferences, what you're not comfortable with and everything in between.

We need to stop being passive in the bedroom and open an authentic dialogue with our partners. Ultimately, this allows us to have healthier sex lives and foster a more sex-positive culture.

Sex isn’t like the movies. Sometimes things don't work, sometimes it gets awkward and sometimes it’s just plain uncomfortable. So we shouldn’t keep pretending like everything is perfect. 

Passivity in the bedroom is tremendously problematic. For instance, it creates a lack of intimacy between partners, and can damage our self image

Good sex goes hand in hand with good communication. It’s not rocket science. If we feel comfortable with the person we’re sleeping with, we’re obviously going to have a more enjoyable sexual experience with them.

“Communication is like a dance," said Tim Jordan, a former psychology professor at Prescott College. "We can pretend it's the transfer of information. We can name it something that it really isn’t. It’s the foundation of every connection and of every relationship. It's virtually the ground upon which connection resides.”

Real change happens when we can openly talk to our partners about our our sexuality. This may be uncomfortable, but by having a few moments of awkward conversation a relationship full of bad sex can be avoided.

If a partner does or says something that makes us uncomfortable we should be vocal about that. Often times, people blame themselves for their partners' actions. However, making excuses for their behavior can lead to an increasingly traumatic experience and an increasingly unhealthy sex life. If they don’t know, educate them.

Chances are if you don’t like someone's behavior in the bedroom, the next person won’t either. By staying silent we just reinforce these actions. 

Instead, gently confront them by saying "I don't like when you do that, please stop," and offer an alternative to their behavior. By speaking out against hurtful behaviors within our sexual relationships we are able to create a safer space for ourselves and for others.

Being vocal in the bedroom also means telling our partners what to do better. Sex shouldn’t be a one-way street. It’s about giving and getting. If your partner isn’t turning you on, don’t play it off.

If we don’t vocalize issues within our sex lives, we cannot expect anything to change. We can’t expect our partners to read our minds. It's damaging to our self image and our relationships.

From social movements to our sex lives, real change comes with authentic communication. So speak up, be vocal, be heard.

Reach the columnist at or follow @skyjordan4 on Twitter.

Editor’s note: The opinions presented in this column are the author’s and do not imply any endorsement from The State Press or its editors.

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