The Stale Mess: ASU to open new satellite campus within UA

Top officials said it is part of the school’s educational mission that ASU take over the Tucson university ‘from the inside out’

ASU announced Tuesday it will be opening a new satellite location within the University of Arizona Tucson Campus as early as the fall of next year.

The new campus, called “ASU Front Line,” will boast six classrooms, a mess hall, a training grounds and a fully functioning barracks. Most of the space will be converted from portions of the UA Memorial Union that were purchased by ASU for an unknown sum earlier this year.

This move faced heavy criticism from those in Tucson, but ASU officials praised the effort, which is being spearheaded by ASU Commander-in-Chief Michael Crow. One official went as far as to say the takeover is “long overdue.”

“They’re forcing my hand,” Crow said. “It’s not like I want this war to continue, but (UA President Robert) Robbins keeps playing games. This medical school move pushed me over the edge. I mean why do they need to have that school right next to our nursing program downtown? I don’t even care anymore. Our strategy long-term is a Trojan Horse takeover.”

The new campus will offer only two degrees: Innovation in Enemy Territory, B.S., and Insurgent Counterterrorism, B.A., both through the new College of Educational War and Policy. Barrett, the Honors College will also have an administrative hub at the new campus, where honors students can take courses such as “Predatory Cats: From Homer to Descartes” and “Feminist Perspectives on Tucson Society.”

UA officials and students have been less than enthusiastic, with many openly protesting ASU’s move into the center of their campus. 

“It’s parasitic,” UA President Robert Robbins said. “There’s no way to stop the growth. It’s not even about being a college at this point. I mean, come on. That building in D.C.? Why does ASU need a physical presence in the nation’s capital? What are they after?”

Though the answer to those questions is less than clear at this time, many speculate that the engine of ASU’s unstoppable growth might be more insidious than was once expected. Rumors abound of a secret alien invasion of ASU’s Tempe campus, which could explain the university’s aggressive expansion policy of the past few years. 

“It’s like that part of the movie ‘Alien’ when the weird black thing bursts out of the guy’s chest,” UA biological sciences senior and concerned citizen Jeshua Greenbaulm said. 

“That’s going to be ASU in fifteen years.”

Editor’s note: This article is satire, and none of the events described herein actually happened, nor are any of the characters representative of real people. Any opinions interpreted from this article belong to the author alone and do not reflect the opinions of The State Press or its editorial board. 

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