Satire: CHANGECON: Your official guide to the 24 most lucrative charities of 2019

From throwing dirt into a garden to uploading poor people to the cloud, these charities are catalysts for change

It’s that time of year again! Your favorite convention for world improvement coalitions that affect change in the global heart landscape of our society’s infrastructure and the modern zeitgeist is here. At CHANGEORG™, we are dedicated to bringing you the coolest, most elite and on-brand charities of 2019.

Our CHANGEGUIDE™ is broken up into the following categories: Aid Abroad, Domestic Aid and Celebrity Aid, so if you’re looking for attention, feel free to skip to Celebrity Aid.

For our financial fans, consider giving directly to CHANGEORG™! We use your generous donations to fund the CHANGECON™ fundraiser as well as our weekly social gatherings at local country clubs to predict changes in trends and brainstorm ways to motivate the world. 

And don’t forget, our subscription upgrade includes a livestream option, as well as a “candid” picture of you smiling at a child. Upgrade to the next highest subscription tier and we’ll send you home with our CHANGEPURSE™, which includes luxury items such as a 24-karat gold copy of “Atlas Shrugged” and a silk pillow with “I’m a good person” stitched into it. 

Now go make some CHANGE™. (If you need to break any $1,000 bills for local fun, feel free* to use our CHANGE™ ATMs)!

AID ABROAD 

We know what you’re thinking: money that is not spent in the United States? Gross! But we promise we’ve found you the most vetted charities dedicated to securing and maintaining U.S. interests.

Human ReSource

A group that takes disenfranchised children under 12 and empowers them by giving them full-time jobs.

Rights for Sum 

Nonprofit dedicated to protecting banks and Wall Street investors from predatory civilians looking for small loans.

People for Progress

Fracking on Mars, created and funded by Elon Musk.

Disaster Releaf FUNd

Puts doodles of leaves on one-time use sandwich bags.

Give Life

Finds rare tree species and turns them into recyclable paper.

Winds of Exchange

It’s just tariffs.

World For a Better Change For a Better World by ChangeX

They have no documented mission statement, subsidiary of ExxonMobil.

DOMESTIC AID

You know what they say: You have to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. Or in this case, you have to pay someone to put on your oxygen mask for you, so as not to disturb your mid-flight mimosa.

Well to Dos Doing Good

Rich people putting on gloves and tossing soil in a community garden long enough to take a picture (before replacing the garden with a cast-iron statue made in their image).

WEvolve

Invests in uploading poor people to the cloud so they don’t need physical resources.

Truth

Lobbies to redact every government document in existence.

Furry Friends**

Uses artificial intelligence to allow pets to volunteer for hairlessness and supply the 1% with fur scarves.

Communication through Commerce

Works toward developing a universal language with an alphabet comprised entirely of different amounts of bitcoin.

Relief Chance

Has people in poverty spin a giant wheel for a chance to make a livable wage.

Libertarians for Life

Pro-life libertarians spreading awareness of their existence.

Money Laundering Organization

“Nonprofit” dedicated to cleaning corporate cash of the blood of children.

Strong Parents, Strong Kids

Funds a “Scared Straight” styled classroom program that promotes the nutritional value of milk, paid for by milk.

No More Strawz

Melts down every plastic straw to create recycled Juul pods.

CELEBRITY AID

With marginalized groups like #womensupportingwomen or <another movement> taking matters into their own hands on the rise, these charities follow suit. These are by celebrities, for celebrities.

Capital Giving

This group invests in video cameras for social media influencers to use while filming themselves giving money to homeless people.

Living for Laughter and Love

Bill and Melinda Gates’ second foundation, donates exclusively to Forbes Magazine right before their “90 Under 90” article gets published.

Trust in US

Rolls out yearly protections for homophobic celebrity churches.

Change Affecting Lives to Heal Hearts for Love

Creates specialized supplements for celebrities made from the blood of their dying pets. 

Invest in U

It’s just Scientology. 

Engage 

Contributes financially to celebrity engagement rings, weddings and divorces.

Labor of Love

It’s also Scientology.

Class Clowns

Created by “The Ellen DeGeneres Show,” dedicated to giving funds to canceled celebrities and war criminals. 

* CHANGE™ ATMs are not free. 

**The Official “Cute & Apolitical” pick for CHANGECON™

Editor's Note: This article was updated on Nov. 13, 2019 at 7:07 p.m. to change multimedia and a hyperlink.


Reach the columnist at amahai@asu.edu or follow @allie_mahai on Twitter.

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