Satire: THE RED PILL: The Future of Male Birth Control

'Although it is a new form of male birth control, it is based upon years and years of subtle, systemic hatred for femininity'

 Background on THE RED PILL*:

Too many people ignore the burgeoning research on male birth control. Critics of the concept often cite hormone changes and the dangers of new external medication, but what if these issues could be avoided? Introducing THE RED PILL**: the first non-hormonal, non-external male contraceptive. How does it work? Simply put, THE RED PILL has no physical form. That’s right. It doesn’t require a prescription, it isn’t over the counter, it isn’t even a pill. It’s a lifestyle.

THE RED PILL treatment works especially for lonely heterosexual men who have little to no understanding of how human women want to be treated. Perfect candidates might have mommy issues, or attribute their lack of sexual success to the women around them, rather than to their own approach. 

In fact, some candidates may already be microdosing THE RED PILL without even knowing it. Although it is a new form of male birth control, it is based upon years and years of subtle, systemic hatred for femininity. This is why THE RED PILL is so effective! It is as close to natural a drug can get while intentionally distorting everything we know about evolutionary psychology and biology.

THE RED PILL process:

While effective, obtaining THE RED PILL can be strenuous. Every user experiences it differently, but most candidates are all too familiar.

It often begins in the Friendzone. Some men wait here for ages. In many cases, they don’t even realize they’re in it. Here, they perform the painful task of an emotional investment (hoping for strings attached), only to receive useless emotional support (and no sex) in return. This task is what some people refer to as “friendship.” 

When they do get out, they’re plagued by a simultaneous simmering resentment and unnecessary idolatry for Any Girl (classmates, colleagues, or other acquaintances who feel a social obligation to be courteous to them). If they don’t medicate at this point, the pain will only worsen. In some extremely dangerous cases, they may even do some reflecting on their values, which could make the THE RED PILL much less effective***. 

Any Girl might lead them on and act too sexy by smiling at them when passing by them on the street, or saying “hello” before a work meeting. In fear of going back to the Friendzone, they might be forced to think about doing murder to her. This is a key step in the process, because it keeps them from direct exposure to introspection.

At this point, if they aren’t already extremely online, they’re about to be. Turning to the only safe space left for them, they pull up Reddit and, with a bit of luck, find THE RED PILL community. 

For the ones that do continue to fight for medication, it is a minefield. Most of the time, they have to administer the medication in the shadows. To medicate outside of r/theredpill, they have to use careful wording, like telling Any Girl that she has “hot girl problems” or that “we already have a word for ‘womansplaining’— nagging!”

How you can get help

Talk to your local incel about THE RED PILL. They can help you by using examples of unfit mothers over loving fathers being granted sole custody of their children to assert that women are oppressors, while continuing to argue that women are naturally more suited to be caregivers. When you consider that women who abuse men and get away with it could be a product of toxic masculinity, other r/theredpill patients can help you throw that in the garbage— masculinity cannot be toxic because you are mommy’s good little boy. They can help you base your life upon accruing female attention while calling it worthless, and turn exclusively to the cult RED PILL when you need validation.

*Side effects may include expecting women to be goddesses until you decide they are w----s, never talking to your mom or talking exclusively to your mom, verbally abusing Alexa, obsessing over the Greek sirens and Jezebel, hating cats but being a furry, asking a girl who rejected you a week prior to the Prom, wanting a girl who isn’t like the other girls but believing all girls are like the other girls, porn addiction and hatred for sex workers, doing sex crimes and murder, maybe being a eugenicist, or a nazi or both; kind of liking Jordan Peterson and loving Joe Rogan.

**Though we use terminology from trans women and a bisexual woman, most candidates don’t think they exist or don’t want them to, so it shouldn’t come up too much.

***Even when used imperfectly, patients still have a 99% chance of remaining celibate, (and therefore without risk of pregnancy). This is one of the few birth control methods (and the only male birth control method) to remain highly effective without perfect use and that’s because, much like its possible effects before consumption, THE RED PILL can stay in your system for a long time. 


Reach the satirist at amahai@asu.edu and follow @allie_mahai on Twitter.

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