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What Mario Kart characters would have received as their senior superlatives

How 12 of the Mario Kart characters would have fared in school, and what that says about you


" The Mushroom Kingdom Yearbook, but who is the fastest in the class?" Illustration published on Tuesday, Nov. 10, 2020.

The character someone chooses to play in Mario Kart says a lot about them. It takes a very specific kind of person to play as Bowser. We all have a friend who gives off Waluigi vibes. Everyone knows at least one Wario (and if you don't, it's you).

So I got to wondering, how can I explain what some of the characters mean for the person playing as them? There is no better way to explain what each character means than based on common senior superlatives. And if you play as any of these characters, well you might just learn a little something about yourself, too.

Best Dressed: Koopa Troopa

If we define the best-dressed category by the metric of whose fashion works the best for them, it has to be Koopa Troopa. Not only does he literally live in his clothes (very functional and utilitarian of him), he matches the shoes to the shell — definitely not an accident. And of course, you can never overlook the importance of a good base layer which Koopa Troopa wears with total confidence.

Class Clown: Dry Bones

Dry Bones is without a doubt the life of the party. He’s got loads of personality (just look at those gloves!) and a unique sense of humor. He can completely disassemble and reassemble himself as his signature party trick, and since he doesn’t have any skin, he’s technically always smiling. What a guy.

Most Likely To Succeed: Baby Peach

Since Baby Peach is destined to become the monarch of the Mushroom Kingdom, she objectively is the most likely to succeed. But the good thing about Baby Peach is that she wouldn’t ever rub it in. She’s just a quiet, kind girl who gets good grades and treats everyone equally. Now, of course, every interaction you have with her is a little weird because in the back of your head you know you’re looking at your future ruler, but she never makes you feel like she’s your superior in any way. It actually gives you a lot of faith in the future of your country, knowing the government will be in good and thoughtful hands.

Most Likely to be Late for Graduation: Funky Kong

Funky Kong was definitely the one who threw the night-before-graduation rager, and if he’s not hungover from that and oversleeping the valedictorian speech, then he’s most likely high and trying to figure out how to pay for parking at the stadium gates.

Mr. Congeniality: Yoshi

Yoshi is the type to not have beef with anyone: super chill, very easy to hang with, just an all-around great guy. He probably carries a frisbee in his backpack. He’s ready to help out at the drop of the hat, and he always makes you feel important when he talks to you. Definitely the only person from high school you’d ever want to run into at a grocery store.

Best to Bring Home to Mom and Dad: Toad

Toad is the ultimate catch. They’ve got a job, they’re reliable and they’re nice to waiters. Toad is the type to make fast friends with their girlfriend’s mom, but won’t make the dad worry that they’re going to break his little girl’s heart. They bring home flowers from work and wake you up with banana pancakes on Sundays. They’re great with kids, they love the outdoors and can’t wait to live life’s next great adventure with you.

Best Smile: King Boo

King Boo deserves some serious recognition for his smile. Half of him is all mouth, and taking care of teeth like that can’t be easy. But you know what? They look great. Pearly white. A dentist’s dream. And the best part is that King Boo knows this. He smiles wide and he smiles often because he has earned the right to. He’s not showing off, but he is super proud of his smile — and that’s what makes it so good.

Best Hair: Donkey Kong

Did you know a kid in high school whose thing was their hair? Like, their hair was so perfectly crafted or so absurd and so unique that it was what they were known for? That’s Donkey Kong. 

“Hey, do you know DK?” “No, I don’t think so.” “He’s the guy with the hair.” “Ohhhhh, that’s DK, got it.”

Most Artistic: Bowser Jr.

In "Super Mario Sunshine," Bowser Jr. goes around with a magic paintbrush painting graffiti that can act as a portal to transport you between locations. If our metric for what makes art good is if it takes you somewhere in a metaphorical sense, art that takes you somewhere in a literal sense has to be the best then. Also, Bowser Jr. is totally the alt kid of the Mushroom Kingdom. He makes his own clothes! Check his bandana. Bowser Jr. was way ahead on the ugly cute wave, and the rest of us are just trying to keep up.

Most Involved: Mario

Mario is an obvious choice for most involved since he’s in basically everything, but here’s the thing — he’s kind of a jerk about it. Mario needs to be a part of everything because it’s how he feels superior; he wants to be in the yearbook the most out of everyone. He does all of it for the resume — totally the kind of kid who would start his own club just to say he was the president of a club, and makes everything about him.

Biggest Flirt: Waluigi

Waluigi is the kind of flirt who is so over the top and audacious with his flirting that it's part of his humor, and you’re never sure if he’s actually flirting or just messing around. And he flirts with everyone: his friends, people he doesn’t know and especially the teacher. Is he charming? Is he weird? Is there any actual intent? Who can even tell?

Teacher’s Pet: Baby Mario

Baby Mario is literally Randall Weems from "Recess," the scrawny kid the protagonists have to deal with and bribe so they don’t get told on. He’s a total sycophant who takes joy in tattling — a complete snitch. You remember that kid in preschool who would provoke you or try and start a fight, then as soon as you did anything to defend yourself they’d start crying just to get you in trouble? That’s Baby Mario.

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