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The Echo

Insight: College has made my dysphoria worse. Stereotypes don't help

Understanding my gender identity as a nonbinary college student

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"To me, gender is like a roller coaster. Some days I feel comfortable, others I don’t." Illustration by:

I came into ASU knowing I was nonbinary, but I constantly caught myself asking, "Do I look androgynous enough?" 

I dress a mix of casual and business casual, depending on how much energy I have in the morning. I wear makeup for special occasions and events, and I'm known for my funky earrings. I also have short hair, with a mix of a mullet and shag cut.  

For years, I saw a very specific image of a nonbinary person being presented online, and I did not match it. As a result, I found myself questioning what it meant if I didn't fit it. 

When I was discovering my gender identity in middle school, I would see so many interpretations of different identities online, and see that as a standard for how I would have to dress, act and look. 

@irisolympia my nonbinary makeup routine 💆🏻✨ #makeuptutorial #makeuproutine #enby #androgynous #unisex ♬ So Far So Fake - Pierce The Veil

While I overcame that thought process through high school, I caught myself doing the same thing again in college. 

I'd wake up in the morning and stare in the mirror. My face... It's so round and feminine. My makeup is so... girly. My curves are so... womanlike.

The gender dysphoria I've faced in college is more than I've ever experienced before, and it's not something I've talked about. 

READ MORE: Insight: I'm a nonbinary girl — deal with it

Gender dysphoria is something that a lot of non-cisgender people face throughout their journey to discovering their identity. It's real, and it sucks. 

Imagine you are forced to use your non-dominant hand to write. It'll feel wrong, and you'll want to go back to what you're comfortable with, but you can't. That's what gender dysphoria feels like.

Yet there are times I catch myself enjoying using my non-dominant hand. Sometimes I enjoy embracing my feminine traits, and I feel comfortable with the idea that my curves, face and makeup don't have a gender. That is not my only identity. 

While dysphoria was something I naturally faced, seeing how seemingly easily other nonbinary people expressed themselves made me feel like I was the odd one out; nothing about my gender felt easy. 

When I came to college, I was surrounded by so much more queer representation than I had ever been in high school. While I had a lot of my identity figured out back then, when I got to college, a whole new "dysphoria final boss," as I'll call it, came around. 

While I am comfortable calling myself nonbinary, and I understand that is who I am, it's made me hate being called common gender terms. 

I'm fine when friends say, "you're more like a sister to me," or when partners have called me a girlfriend; I actually prefer it. But I hate being called a girl. I hate being called a woman. I get this ick in my stomach sometimes when someone says "she," and pronouns are a whole other conversation.

I've associated myself with she/they pronouns for years, with this idea of using they/them in the back of my mind for longer. While I've transitioned to they/them with my close friends for a while now, in a way, I'm scared to lose the femininity that comes with the "she" in she/they. 

The same femininity that I hate. 

It's confusing. I've never heard of any other nonbinary person experiencing this. I've never heard any of my transgender friends experience this. It's made me feel secluded, but it's made me realize that I don't need to fit into the stereotypes of being nonbinary.

To me, gender is like a roller coaster. Some days I feel comfortable, others I don't. Maybe it's because I haven't found the right term to describe my gender. Maybe I'm just dysphoric, and that's okay. 

If there's one thing I've learned from my gender experience, it's that it doesn't matter what other people of the same gender look like. My comfort is all that matters. 

Edited by Kasturi Tale, Henry Smardo, Emilio Alvarado and Pippa Fung.

Reach the reporter at jhamil33@asu.edu and follow @jhamilton_media on X.

Like The State Press on Facebook and follow @statepress on X. 

Jen HamiltonEcho Reporter

Jen Hamilton is a freshman studying Journalism and Mass Communications with a minor in Political Science. This is their first semester with The State Press. 

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