I like to tell people that my face is just constantly doing a really good impression of the Rocky Mountains, but between you and me, I just have excessive acne.
I am a great many things: genetics student, American, prolific consumer of macaroni and cheese. I am not, however, beautiful.
Let's face it, I look less like Brad Pitt and more like David Hasselhoff in that video where he ate a cheeseburger and ruined his family.
I have recently come upon what may be the key to unlocking my latent "man beauty." My dermatologist has prescribed Accutane, which is so potent in its acne-fighting capabilities that only those of us with the most powerful acne are worthy to take it.
Basically it's kind of dangerous and has more warning labels than your average rat poison.
In about five or so months, my acne should most likely be permanently more manageable. In five months or so, I shall be beautiful.
What does that matter? Aren't men supposed to not care about their appearances? Isn't that why goatees still exist?
The truth is, physical appearances are hard to ignore. To feel uncomfortable about the way you look can be fairly devastating to nearly everyone.
As I write this, I would describe my looks as somewhere between a hobgoblin and some kind of troll that lives under bridges. It is a dream of mine to one day be more like a troll that gets to have a little booth on top of a bridge, so people can see them sometimes.
Frankly, I don't care that I am not the most handsome man in the world. Being kind of gross means no one cares that my favorite shirt is three sizes too large and says "Yo quiero Jesus" on it. Ugly, stretchy cotton shorts are kind of my jam.
However, even a troll will comb his hair on a special day.
Feeling good about how we look is crucial to a happy and healthy life. Feeling good about our appearances is all about looking good to ourselves.
That's the whole reason we spend half our morning trying to hide the ugly from the night before with all kinds of creams, gels, powders and make-up. It's why millions of Americans go to a plastic surgeon every year to poke, inject and stab us in the face until we are our version of "good enough."
Maybe we as a nation are a bit overzealous in our pursuit of beauty, but don't underestimate how important a little sexiness is to nearly all of us. Is it vain to care about how we look?
Of course, but I'm OK with a little vanity if it means I'll finally be comfortable in my own sexy skin in five months.
Reach the columnist at Jacob.Evans@asu.edu or follow him at @JacobEvansSP
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