Believe it or not, it isn’t the thought of being eaten by a frenzy of maniacal sharks off the coast of Florida or interning for Gary Condit that’s been keeping me up late at nights, pondering my own mortality.
It’s that nasty West Nile virus.
When the exotic disease took the life of a woman in Georgia this month, scientists initially thought it was St. Louis encephalitis (this is related to Washington, D.C., scandalicitis and Utah polygamicitis).
Now we know the true cause of her death to be the West Nile virus - a present to the United States, with love, from Africa, the Middle East and West Asia. Because relatively common and deeply beloved creatures carry the disease (pigeons, mosquitoes, the occasional horse) the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention fear that the West Nile virus could quickly become prevalent in the United States.
According to the CDC, exposure to the virus can cause inflammation of the brain, inflammation of the spinal cord, swollen lymph glands and repetition of the phrase, “I’ve been married 34 years. I’m not a perfect man. I think the American people understand that.”
But fear not. Our nation’s best and brightest are on the case, going door to door, testing birds (urinalysis? fingerprinting? taking Polly downtown in the squad car to fill out paperwork?) and targeting mosquito breeding grounds like tires, swimming pools and foam parties. In the meantime, Maricopa County Vector Control - a Bureau of Mosquito Investigation that analyzes citizen complaints about mosquitoes, flies and “non-native” rodents - has a few helpful suggestions that you can implement on your own, outside of cutting back on your Saturday afternoon “Pigeons and ‘Skeeters” games:
• Drain your animal troughs.
• Add gambusias to your ponds and swimming pools. These are mosquito-eating fish that can be obtained free of charge from Vector control and are delightful with butter and oregano.
• Avoid stagnant water.
• Avoid standing water.
• Unfortunately, these suggestions aren’t as easy to follow as you might think. My miniature schnauzer objected profusely when I tried to drain her trough after dinnertime, the staff at my apartment complex said I’d be evicted if I put gambusias in the community swimming pool or hot tub, and I just happen to live next to a GIANT ARTIFICAL LAKE.
Just as I was about to resign myself to a painful death of brain and spinal cord inflammation, I came across a recent article in The Arizona Republic, declaring the menacing Tempe Town Lake to be absolutely, positively not responsible for any increases in mosquito populations. After a detailed mosquito census report and interviewing process, the Arizona Department of Health was able to confidently declare to The Republic, “The Town Lake is not a mosquito problem ... we applaud the City of Tempe for the way they did that.”
Bug officials were even able to provide the media with a chart, detailing how many trappings of mosquitoes (or as I like to call them, “sting operations”) transpired on the Town Lake per night.
Now, definitively stating how many mosquitoes populate a giant artificial lake might seem as confounding as accurately assessing how many scorpions reside in the Sahara Desert or how many freshmen will receive minor in possession of alcohol citations this year. But just relax. These are sophisticated, educated mosquito experts we’re talking about. They have ways of knowing these things - I just don’t want to know what they are.
So, fear not, my fellow Tempe residents. While there might be a border control problem here (I spent hours in customs this summer trying to convince Tunisian officials that I was not a terrorist, and here the U.S. Border Patrol is just letting West Asian, African and Middle Eastern pigeons and mosquitoes saunter right through without passports or explaining who packed their luggage), our fair city appears to be safe from the coming viral apocalypse.
Megan Nielsen is a criminal justice senior. She can be reached at
asumocktrial@aol.com.
