It's that time, again. You know ... the time between the Thanksgiving sales and the after-Christmas returns. The time when we pick out something or other for half the people we know, stuff it on the top shelf of a closet and forget to wrap it. The time of year that usually leaves our bank account flashing 'E' for empty.
I say "usually" because this time I have some ideas to keep my (and your) fiscal head above water. These ideas are simple, really, and brilliant. I might even say, inspiring.
• As everyone knows there's this thing called the stock market. Right now, prices are a little shaky because the economy is "slowing down." There's a little secret I'd like to tell all of you now: "They got bin Laden." Now, they really don't have him, but that's the joy of it, it doesn't matter. Just the rumor of it caused the Dow Jones Industrial Average to jump 170 points on Oct. 11.
So, here's the deal: Put those college loans to good use and buy some stock today. Tomorrow send out a mass e-mail to all your Internet junkie stockbroker friends giving them the heads up on bin Laden's end (some experts say the actual event could trigger a 250 point market increase). Wall Street traders' eyes will light up, and their mouths will clamor for more stock. You just have to sit back and watch your assets triple. Just make sure to sell before people realize it's nothing but a joke and become their normal pessimistic selves.
• Sell lacy underwear on street corners. It seems that the "Victoria's Secret Fashion Show" was broadcast recently on ABC. Apparently, I've been in a cave in Afghanistan for the past two weeks because I didn't know about this until after the fact. "Intimate apparel in general, and Victoria's Secret specifically, could possibly out-perform many other areas of retail," according to Todd Slater, a retail analyst based in New York. Not only is the $3 billion-plus industry flourishing, but it's patriotic. Hesse-Biber, an underwear super model says, "Women in Afghanistan have to cover their bodies while women here have the freedom to a range of ways to display the beauty of their bodies."
Here's your pitch: Be patriotic — show skin. The Taliban will hate it and your boyfriend will love it! Actually, I think you should go out and buy Victoria's Secret apparel (especially if you're attractive and female). I just bought some stock. Now guess what's on my agenda for tomorrow.
• Pirate the new Harry Potter movie and sell it in China. Despite new patent laws there, the black market is as strong as it ever was. This task is slightly more challenging than the others, however. It requires sitting through the movie with a video camera on your shoulder, putting it on multiple VHS tapes, flying to China and hanging out in dark alleys hawking your wares. Luckily, plane tickets to Hong Kong are about the same price as a movie ticket. Sadly, I hear you only make about $1.40 per tape, and while that's good if you're a Chinese factory worker, it'll be hardly enough to buy a hamburger if you get out of Chinese prison (with your vital organs) and back to the States.
• There was an inventors' conference (the Nuremberg "Ideas, Inventions and New Products" exhibition) in Germany recently. Many of these ideas are terrible, but with your insight I'm sure you could find a use for rubber soil or an all-in-one urinal and washbasin. It's merely a matter of patenting the idea in a different language (thanks to screwy international patenting laws) and finding a way to market such a thing. I'd suggest using Chinese since you'll be going to China anyway (with your suitcase full of Harry Potter VHS's).
• For those of you who are street musicians (or if you're able to ring a bell), stand outside a department store with a bucket dressed as Santa. If you're especially lazy or especially pitiful/aggressive looking, you can get away with just the hat; oh, having a sign helps, too. Then, just ring your bell or play your instrument and watch nickels, dimes, quarters and the occasional dollar fall into your bucket.
It must add up because people have been at it for years, and if nothing else, you can use the money to wash your clothes. You probably haven't done that since purchasing the lacy undergarments from Victoria's Secret (or since you've been back from China).
Some of these ideas might seem ridiculous, ludicrous or even crackpot, but I'm assuring you that they are in the entrepreneurial spirit. I won't take any responsibility for your incompetence, but I will help you find other things to try. And remember: If at first you don't succeed … send me pictures.
North Noelck is a biology sophomore. Reach him at
north.noelck@asu.edu.
