Seattle -- Shortly after opening a new coffee shop in the Memorial Union of Arizona State University, Starbucks officials today announced that they will be catering more to college students and unveiled plans to open 15 more coffee shops at ASU alone.
The company has bought a portion of the Computing Commons, two floors of the Language and Literature Building, a section of Hayden library and several more plots of land in and around the campus.
The officials cited greater convenience as the main reason the company moved to enormously expand its presence at the University.
Richard Bitters, spokesman for the University Relations Division of the company, said, "We understand that college students, particularly around finals weeks, are in dire need of our products. We appreciate their business and are making an effort to make ourselves more accessible.
"Some may argue that having one coffee shop in Neeb Hall and another in Stauffer Hall is overkill, but we understand that Tyler Mall can get pretty busy at times, and many students would appreciate not having to cross it to get their daily dose of a Grande Double Mocha Frappe Alpacino Especiale."
For the most part, students seemed excited and appreciative of the new stores. Underwater basket weaving major and Swedish transfer student Lacey Untherdings exclaimed, "Omigod! That'd be like SO cool, ja?"
However, many are skeptical of Starbucks' supposed benevolence. To Max Powers, Coffee Plantation manager of operations (owner), this is just another example of corporate over-expansion. He claimed that Starbucks was planning on saturating the local coffee market and effectively stamping out the healthy competition of smaller venues.
"They were worried and embarrassed at the fact that we, as a small business, were cutting into their potential profits. They're not out to make things more convenient for the students, they're out to turn everyone into Starbucks-craving zombies," Powers said. "Already, they put a secret ingredient in their coffee that makes you crave it fortnightly."
Bitters's response was both calm and frank.
"Nonsense, if we thought that (Powers) offered significant competition to our franchise, we'd just have him shot. And, in reference to the 'secret ingredient' he was raving about, there's no secret about 'caffamphetamine,' or 'caffeine overdrive' as we like to call it; it is currently under a very public review by the Food and Drug Administration for being too addictive. I'm afraid we're guilty as charged if by 'addictive' you mean 'tasty and refreshing!'"
Despite the cool demeanor of both companies, rumors abound that both are in frantic and aggressive negotiations with school officials to allow for even more expansion. The two companies are rumored to have begun bidding on classrooms and dorm rooms across campus with plans of convert them into coffee stands.
They are also said to be holding talks with officials and professors about the possibility of letting vendors sell coffee in classrooms "like the guys who sell beer in the stands at baseball games."
Anonymous sources claim that Starbucks is working on a top-secret "Porta-Barista 5000" -- rumored to be a mobile coffee dispenser that doubles as a Coffee Plantation vendor hunter-killer robot.
All in all, students seem unfazed by the corporate turf-war. As Rockology sophomore and Russian exchange student Isolev Yorpriq put so succinctly, "Omigod! That'd be like SO cool, da?"
