If you see me around today, ask to see my underwear. I'll probably blush like a bride and wish that I hadn't told you what I'm going to tell you.
Here's what I'm going to tell you: I'll be wearing pantyhose.
Weird, yes, but not as weird as it seems — at least according to theWall Street Journal. Somehow, one of their reporters was able to find men that would admit to wearing pantyhose. No, I was not one of these men.
Apparently, "There's an entire underground culture of normal, mainstream guys who wear hose," according to Steve Katz.
Now, I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I have to say that I became a little concerned when I heard this quote.
To help you understand my irrational fear, let me tell you who Mr. Katz is. He's the chief executive of Comfilon. What is Comfilon? It's a company that makes hose with "male specific components" — such as nifty fly in front. With this added feature they can (and do) safely say, "Comfilons are not your mother's pantyhose." Comfilon sells hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of hosiery to men.
I question the motives of Mr. Katz's plea to accept these tights-wearing men with his "everyone's doing it" message. After all, he's pushing a product.
But, what I can't ignore are the other stories printed in the Journal. After all, they're buying into it.
One such consumer is Robert Rodgers. When he used to buy pantyhose at the grocery store he would dress up the act, like a teen-ager buying his first copy of Playboy. Buying bread and milk along with his L'eggs Ultra-Sheer, he hoped to pass of the fishy fishnets in his cart as his wife's.
Now, however, he's no longer afraid to say, "Pantyhose are for me."
At this point I want you to solemnly shake your head and repeat this mantra, "It takes all kinds."
Rogers is not alone. In fact, the propaganda machine extolling the benefits of wearing hose has created a cult following.
The machine claims that they increase warmth, like thermals, but are less bulky. I tried a pair and concur.
Another point these "Silky Sheer" men like to make is that pantyhose improve circulation. Men who wear them testify to having more refreshed legs after a long day at work as compared to wearing briefs or boxers.
After a long day of hose-wearing and column writing, I guess my legs feel all right.
There are even some men who bring in the comfort factor. I'm no expert, but I give the edge to boxers.
I'm curious, but not convinced.
I know there are athletes out there who swear by hose. Football players often wear them during games in cold weather to help keep their legs warm. (Side note: if any linebackers are reading this, I contend it's only hearsay).
Runners also do this in cold weather. How different are pantyhose from running tights or cycling shorts anyway?
I can see that athletes have valid excuses — I was a swimmer in high school and know that there's an entire underground culture of normal, mainstream guys who shave their legs. It doesn't make them less manly.
Neither does wearing pantyhose. According to Kayser-Roth Corp (makers of the "No Nonsense" brand), only 40% of men who wear pantyhose are actually cross-dressers.
I'm not sure how they came upon this statistic. To me, any man who wears pantyhose is, by definition, a cross-dresser. Pantyhose are for women — it only makes sense.
Still, one can only assume, by the context of the statistic, that what the Kayser-Roth Corporation meant to say is that three in every five men wearing pantyhose are not wearing skirts or dresses as "real" cross-dressers do.
In fact, the majority of men wearing hosiery are wearing slacks and doing business with you!
All this really means is that men are feeling freer to wear constricting undergarments while at the same time women are doffing them in large numbers.
You know I've always wanted to write a fashion advice column — mostly to suggest that more women wear those super low jeans where the thong strap peeps out above the waistline.
Instead, I write this: Hose were all the rage with the European aristocracy back in the day. Men got smart and convinced women to wear tight fitting and revealing clothing (Hooray!). Two hundred years later women get smart and eschew tights while men suddenly realize that all they really want to do is get inside women's panties. Literally.
It brings new meaning to the slogan, "Gentlemen Prefer Hanes."
Perhaps if the name "pantyhose" was dropped in favor of something more macho like, "Men's Power Skin" as Rob Safko suggests in the Journal, such a slogan just might work.
But I don't know — I'm still thinking the guys at work aren't going to understand.
At least until they read this article, and then it will all make so much sense…or maybe not. But at least you know you're not alone, I'll be in the same boat.
Oh yeah, just one more thing: I'm not wearing pantyhose today.
North Noelck is a biology sophomore. Reach him
at north.noelck@asu.edu.
