You can repent and go to heaven, but if you want to go to outer space you better have a clean past. According to Sunday's Arizona Republic, there are new requirements for those who want to board a space shuttle to the U.S., Japanese and Russian space station as a paid passenger.
Interstellar tourists must meet a moral code before saddling up a 200,000,000 horsepower craft. Earth's stratosphere will not be tolerating "criminal, dishonest, infamous or notoriously disgraceful conduct, along with heavy drinking, drug abuse and assorted other no-no's," the Republic reported.
If those terms describe you, the only stars you'll be working with are at Cosmic Pizza.
Don't get caught looking up at the stars one night saying, "I should have listened to my grandmother and stayed away from the stoner guys, and the drinking guys and those who conduct themselves disgracefully so I could have gone into space … what, do you mean you don't have to tip me because I took more than thirty minutes?!"
And what is meant by, "assorted other no-no's?"
Imagine you're getting ready to board the Apollo 59.
You've paid your $20 million.
The countdown starts: 10,9,8,7 and suddenly, a voice comes over the P.A.
"I'm sorry, we're going to have to abort. Sir, we saw you picking your nose. You didn't wash your hands after you went to the bathroom. And the other day when you we're walking your dog you didn't 'pick up.' You really should have picked up. And what kind of jerks parks in a handicapped parking spot?"
These new requirements for wannabe astronauts make me wonder what the last space guy did to warrant these rules.
Did he show up to the launch drunk? Was he sneaking off to the space bathroom periodically and returning smelling like dirty socks and giggling like a pubescent boy? Did he eat all the dried ice cream? Was he unable to float over a straight line during his weightless, drunken revelry?
Okay, so these examples are extreme, but I can only ask one question: What billionaires aren't corrupted by their loads of money?
The Pope and Britney Spears are, perhaps, the only people that aren't corrupted by the almighty dollar.
It is a relief to know that Snoop Dog will never get to orbit our earth.
Robert Downey, Jr. is also ineligible for flying around the earth, despite the fact that he may claim to have "been there, done that" several times already.
Why not change the requirements for going up in space to $20 million dollars and pure hatred for America?
Once the passengers are in space leave them there — or better yet, aim them at the sun. Label it a terrorist clean up program.
It takes money and morals to get into space.
Talk about the ultimate chick magnet. After all, how could anybody dump you if you could say, "I'll climb the highest mountain. I'll cross the widest ocean. I'll enter orbit for you, baby."
Having good morals is a wonderful thing, but if I was going to spend time in a confined space while traveling at the near speed of light I would be concerned with more important things than whether they are a good boy or girl.
For example, are they emotionally stable? Or, more importantly, does this person have a gastrointestinal problem?
It would be nice if senators were held to these kinds of standards. But of course, believing that would ever happen is an intergalactic fantasy.
Of course, as an added bonus, these new moral codes could make space vacationers, after firemen, the great American heroes. I mean, we can only to look up to Aerosmith for so long as the leaders against alcohol and drugs.
If greatness is what you're searching for, character will always play a role. Nothing haunts former President Clinton more than his moral decisions. After all, though he is viewed with respect and honor he will always be remembered within the context of Lewinskygate.
Character will always matter in the long run. If you agree with me, I'll see you in space. If not, I hear heaven still has a few openings left.
Dave Thurston is a bachelor of interdisciplinary studies junior. Reach him at david.thurston@asu.edu.
