Whenever I think that I'm wasting my life getting a BIS degree I remind myself that yes, Ken Lay had a doctorate in economics, but Bill Gates dropped out of college.
That brightens up my day. The other thing that brightens up a cloudy day for me is knowing that I'm not British.
Some people count their blessings. I could count the ways that I'm not British.
I take coffee breaks instead of tea time. I brush my teeth every day, drive on the right side of the road and bathe whenever Mr. Stink-Arm visits.
Those things make me proud to be an American. My motto is, "At least I'm not British!"
I may be lot of things — I'm lonely, overworked and underpaid for my column writing, but at least I'm not British.
Sunday's New York Times reported one more reason that makes me glad I'm not British. It so happens that London, England has more crime than New York City. In fact, you are more likely to get mugged in London than in New York.
And so, dear chaps, I'm glad I don't live in London. After all, the only thing they have on us is the metric system. But that "base ten" garbage is so contrived anyway.
To quote comedian Bill Hicks, "There are no guns in England, but there is crime. Which goes to show you how polite the English are. 'Give me your wallet.' — 'Alright.'"
How do you mug some one without a gun? The English figured it out, and they are beating out New York. Maybe when England hosts the Olympics they can make "no-gun mugging" a sport so that they can finally win a few medals.
Or maybe England would have a better shot at some gold if their athletes would spend more time training on the ice rather than stealing money from unsuspecting American tourists.
The New York Times, reported that over the last year London has had a 38 percent increase in street crimes, rising from 41,953 incidents to 57,710.
Of course, we all know the English are positive pansies compared to us beer drinking, mullet-wearing Americans.
Which makes me wonder what the British think a street crime is. Is it a "street crime" to jaywalk or drink tea without lifting your pinky finger? Do you get thrown in jail for giving dirty looks?
According to the New York Times' numbers, street crimes include muggings, high-profile assault and carjacking. I think they're leaving some things out.
In New York it's a compliment when someone flips you off. At least they acknowledged you. In England, I still bet that's a street crime.
And what is a high-profile assault? Is that where you sneak up on some one and shout at the top of your lungs, "Hey you, in the yellow sweatshirt and top hat? I'm robbing you now, and I'm going to soon slap you silly."
Or does high-profile assault only count when you victimize the Queen Mother, Michael Cain or Ringo Starr? After all, he always was everyone's least favorite Beatle.
The answer to lowering the crime rate in London is not increasing the number of Bobbies, but rather arming the existing force with guns.
Take it from the United States. Give London's finest a little leverage. No one's going to stop stealing cars because Officer Ian Do-Right threatened to dish out a "really brilliant wedgie."
No police officer should be in a situation where he has to shout, "Limey, stay away from that bloody car or I'll remove the elastic from your under trousers by force!" No wonder there has been an increase in crime.
I'd love to see London's SWAT team. They're probably armed with duct-tape. I'll bet that if they see a man forget to hold a door open for a woman they aren't afraid to stick duct-tape to his hairy leg and rip it off slowly.
Ken Lay wouldn't last five minutes against the mighty British SWAT team. But Bill Gates would manhandle the entire force. He would even take out the guards that don't move.
I guess the third thing that makes my gloomy days bright again is imaging Bill Gates body slamming an emotionless redcoat.
And hey — maybe you didn't like this column, but at least it's not British.
Dave Thurston is a bachelor of interdisciplinary studies major. You can reach him at david.thruston@asu.edu.
