The three most common ingredients in jokes are Viagra, a Chinese man and seal penises. God bless reality for converging these three crucial elements in my life. Tuesday's New York Times reported that an extensive underground market has emerged in China for the little blue pill that Bob Dole has made famous in America.
Now I know you're wondering, "so where does the seal penis come in?" The same place it comes out, the seal vagina, silly!
But to be more helpful (as if I could possibly be less helpful), the underground market for Viagra is eliminating the need for enhancement pills that contain seal, deer, ox, goat and dog penis.
Can I get an Amen from the animal kingdom! No vocal chords huh? Then can you just nibble at your fur if you're with me.
Now, can I get an Amen from the humans reading the paper? The Chinese are a few steps ahead of us on this matter, as it seems they have realized that the prescription tag on Viagra is oh so stupid.
Prescription medicines are necessary because people cannot be reasonably expected to diagnose themselves in most cases. I agree with this system, in most cases, because usually I am not sure what my symptoms indicate or what possible side effects the available drugs might have. But in the case of Viagra, I doubt this is an issue.
We all know the difference between an erect and a droopy penis, and we're pretty sure which circumstances should make it erect (although that girl on girl scene in Requiem for a Dream is a tricky case).
As for the side effects, the public knows as much about the side-effects of Viagra as the medical community. The first side-effect is pretty standard and the other one science really can't be sure about. So what good is it going to do sending us to a doctor who is equally ignorant of long-term effects?
The only reason left to keep Viagra prescription-only is that the medical authorities don't want the drug to become another cheap party trick. If you think it's funny when people put laxatives in their friends' drinks, just think of the possibilities!
The fact of the matter is that the consumer is informed enough to make a good decision about Viagra and its effects. It doesn't cause violence in users, so if people want to take the risk to their own health and take the little blue pill, we should let them.
As it is, the only thing that stands between anyone and the drug is making a doctor's appointment and telling him that their penis isn't working right. Trust me, he isn't going to test you. That's how doctors lose their licenses.
Under the current system, all we're doing is preventing timid people from having good sex -- and they have enough standing in their way as it is. Besides, the last thing the doctor needs are people in his office faking earaches just so they can tell him that their, ya know, thing down there isn't working so well. That's not a comfortable situation for anyone, except the eavesdroppers in the next room.
Now I know there is something decisively sad about the guy who is really pulling for Viagra to be in the free market, but it's not for me, it's for a friend. I just think that excessive governmental restrictions on non-dangerous products are ridiculous.
China is ahead of us, people. Remember that country with the uncountable human rights violations throughout the years? They know Viagra should be unrestricted. And they just legalized a popular product with ingredients similar to Viagra called "Hao Ting" ("Super Erect"). So if you want the Chinese to have better sex then us then see if I care. I guess I just care more about your needs than you do, as usual.
So a Chinese guy, a seal and a dog walk into a pharmacy. The Chinese guy asks the pharmacist for some Viagra and the pharmacist tells him that he can't give him any because he doesn't have a prescription. So the seal turns to the dog and says exhaustively, "Alright ... I'll flip ya' for it."
No vocal chords indeed.
Josh Deahl is a political science and philosophy senior. Reach him at joshua.deahl@asu.edu.
