As finals week draws near, I'm finding myself overwhelmed with deadlines, projects, and presentations that are crucial to my academic success.
Still, it's my favorite time of the year.
I can say that with a smile on my face because I can still blow everything off and watch National Hockey League teams battle it out for the coolest trophy in sports, the Stanley Cup. Almost as good as the St. Louis Blues beating the ever-living heck out of the Chicago Blackhawks are the commercials. My favorites are the Bud Light spots that feature the mullet-sporting residents of Hockey Falls.
But contrary to what most of my readers probably think, I also notice some non alcohol-related advertisements. One that I really like shows a day in the life of a guy named Bob. Bob seems like a regular guy, but he always has a huge smile on his face. Bob smiles confidently as he waves hello to a neighbor who is watering flowers with a limp garden hose. Bob smiles at work. Bob smiles when he comes home to his wife. She is smiling even bigger.
The commercial tells me Bob is happy and confident because he uses something called Enzyte for "natural male enhancement." I was immediately intrigued by the concept of male enhancement. If I could enhance my male-ness, I could watch more hockey, drink more beer, eat more chicken wings, drink more beer, and covertly ogle more girls on campus. I could be less emotionally sensitive and drive even faster in my car. Okay, my bike.
Actually, I figured Enzyte was a new alternative for Viagra. I've always been confident that I'll grow old like Hugh Hefner and never need Viagra. Still, Bob was so happy that I decided to check out Enzyte's web site. As it turns out, Enzyte is an all-natural nonprescription supplement that, according to their Web site, can increase erection size and fullness from 12 to 31 percent.
I had been getting junk emails about similar products for years. Still, I figured Enzyte must have something going for it since it could afford to advertise on television.
Enzyte contains a laundry list of natural ingredients. The list includes yohimbe and l-arginine, which are also in SoBe. Each ingredient claims to increase blood flow or enhance libido.
An erection is the result of blood pooling up inside the chambers of the spongy, erectile tissue called corpa cavernosa. Enzyte.com claims that an increase in blood flow and blood pressure to those chambers causes them to expand. A larger erection results.
Enzyte's research allows the company to make some bold statements about their product. They say the average male will experience an increase in erection size (length plus circumference) of 24 percent.
Bloodhound Gang lead singer Jimmy Pop wrote, "It's just a Happy Meal, so you can't super-size it." Today, kids can get bigger Happy Meals, and men, according to Enzyte, can super-size their penises. So what's up now, Jimmy Pop?
This sounded too good to be true. If the average guy can benefit that much, I wondered, why isn't everyone using Enzyte?
I decided to ask around. Business freshman Ken Lewandowski said he had seen the smiling Bob commercial. "I think the whole idea is pretty goofy," Ken commented. He took it more seriously when I told him about 24 percent and promptly said, "Sign me up!"
Unfortunately, it seems like a lot of men are as eager as Ken to board the Enzyte train. According to USA Today, Enzyte has more than 21,400 repeat customers. This is impressive, considering a one-month supply costs $99.95. That's even more than the average ASU student spends on alcohol in a month. At least that's what ASU would like us to believe.
Regardless, companies like Enzyte are capitalizing on a weakness in the male psyche, the nagging fear many men have that they're not big enough where it counts. This preoccupation will lead many guys to believe Enzyte's test results despite the fact that they are not scientifically proven. This obsession will squeeze a hundred bucks a month from guys who want to super-size the phallus.
Fortunately, some guys know that they don't need supplements to make Mrs. Smiling Bob happy. Brimming with vigor and sexual ardor, these guys are more than comfortable with their masculinity. Diamonds in the rough, these men exude confidence in and out of bed.
They're called State Press columnists.
Tim Agne is a journalism sophomore. Reach him at tim.agne@asu.edu.
