I've said it before and I'll say it again: God bless crack and the people who use it. Last Wednesday, after several hours of smoking crack cocaine, Rose Houk and an unidentified driver decided to steal a Krispy Kreme truck that had stopped at a drop-off point near Lacombe, Louisiana. At the risk of upsetting the fine people at Krispy Kreme, I think this is an opportune time for Bush to enact his pardon power.
First off, the two that stole the truck didn't even bother to close the back. What that means is there was a 15-mile-long trail of doughnuts leading the cops to the truck, making these two of the most fearless criminals the world has seen since Bonnie and Clyde. If you steal a truck of lettuce or drugs you've got a pretty good chance of making a get away, but we're talking doughnuts here!
Maybe it's all these "World's Dumbest Criminal" shows that are surfacing, but this type of act is exactly what the world of crime is missing. You've got too many violent self-serving idiots breaking the law and not enough of the criminal originality these two have shown us.
It's the thoughtless random crimes that make law-abiding seem so drab. I'm sure this pair had no illusions of escaping to Canada with the truck or selling the doughnuts on the black market, they just had a massive case of the munchies. The worst thing that could have happened was the Krispy Kreme people would lose a batch or two of doughnuts, boo-hoo.
These two thieves tied up so many officers that they probably saved more doughnuts than they lost.
Besides, I think it's a bit presumptuous to believe the officer's report that the doughnuts were lost during the chase until we check some PD trunks and duffle-bags, if you catch my drift. If you don't, e-mail me and I'll send a goon to kick you in the gut for being dense.
I don't say this all in jest. I think what we need is a category of victimless crimes where the "laugh-quotient" is taken into account when sentencing. Just because justice is blind doesn't mean she shouldn't have a sense of humor. I'm not saying these crimes should be left unpunished, but somehow jail doesn't seem fitting in these cases.
If we want to adhere the lex talionis (proportionality) condition of just punishment, I think we need to go Ned Flanders on these no goodnicks. Make them eat Krispy Kremes milk-less until they can eat no more. For any of you who have ever tried to find love in a box of those doughnuts, you know this shouldn't take too long.
For those who have never tried to find love in doughnuts, don't. While it's sometimes tough to tell the difference, I assure you that is an ungodly amount of lard and sugar, not love. Of course, most of my past loves involved an ungodly amount of lard, so maybe they're not so far apart after all. Take that, ex-girlfriends!
Maybe it seems like I'm glorifying crime, but did I mention these two stole a truck full of doughnuts? Did you read that part? The crime glorifies itself.
I haven't even gotten to the best part yet. The driver got away! I have nothing to back me up on this, but I have to believe he ran away with a bag of doughnuts and threw one off to the side each time a cop approached. My theories notwithstanding, the fact is the driver is free to strike again and the world is a better place for that fact.
As for Houk, the passenger who freely admitted to being high at the time, charges of grand theft and resisting arrest are being filed with others pending. With any luck, Cochran will take up the case and baffle the jury as only he could, and this case is perfect for the baffling defense.
I think it would be a shame if we treated this person as a threatening member of society. I'm not saying being high should excuse you of every possible crime, just the one's that are as ridiculous and harmless as this one.
I suppose they could have gotten in a wreck, so charge them with reckless endangerment and leave it at that. In the name of the recently passed April Fool's Day, please -- give the fools of the world a break.
Josh Deahl is a philosophy and political science senior. Send him doughnuts at joshua.deahl@asu.edu.
