(This last issue of the State Press Magazine is a mock version of the campus daily, the State Press. All names, quotes and events are fictitious. Read it for fun or not at all.)
Students will get screwed over early this year.
Newly elected ASU President Michael Crow, along with Student Services, announced Thursday that, instead of students waiting out each year to experience just how much tuition hikes poorly affect their everyday lives, they will receive a complementary screwing-up-the-ass with their tuition statement, starting in the fall.
"We saw it only fitting," Crow said under muffled laughter of his double-entendre. "We thought we'd get a head start on screwing these kids over this year so that they can't complain about it half-way through the semester."
In this inaugural procedure, students have many options to obtain their free ass-screwing, provided by their choice of official from either Residential Life, Parking and Transit Services or the Tuition Payment Office.
Students who receive their tuition statement in the mail will find a voucher for their screwing, redeemable up until the end of the fall semester or before their first visit to the ASU Bookstore -- essentially, before they can "really get screwed over big time," Crow said.
Students can also go personally to any on-campus ass-screwing location and receive the process free of charge.
Crow recommends getting your screw early, as lines will surely be forming.
"Don't procrastinate your screwing," Crow said. "We know students will be eager to get a leg up on this opportunity, but we'd like to see as little friction involved as possible."
Communication senior Matt Stickdon looks forward to getting screwed over early next semester.
"Usually, it takes a good four to five months to get screwed by these jerk-offs." Stickdon said, "so why not get it over with in one thrust?"
Rumors of a hefty 12 percent tuition hike this semester prompted the program, which Crow said is designed to alleviate the stress that an entire semester's worth of expenses can bring.
"We're just trying to help," Crow said. "If students get screwed in the beginning, the rest of the semester should be smooth sailing."
Student Health Services refused to comment on the program, but plans to assist the screwers and screw-ees by handing out free water, lubricant and a helium balloon to each participant.
Reach Ashlea Deahl at ashlea.deahl@asu.edu.
