It's the end of the world, as we know it.
No, really. Cash your chips in. Board up the windows. Put your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye because this country's going straight to hell. You'd have to be blind, deaf and tied to a pole in the basement to be unaware that the Republicans have completed Step One in "The Complete Idiot's Guide to World Domination." We now have a Republican majority in both the House and Senate to compliment our Republican president.
Aw crap!
When the Supreme Court elected Bush to office, I kept reminding myself, "It's only four years. Four years isn't enough time to screw things up. Four years and we'll clear this whole thing right up."
And he seemed to be on the path to failure. His malapropisms gave every late night comedian a ton of material. Remember that standoff with China and the downed spy plane? And the economy continued to crash and burn despite that stimulating tax refund. Things seemed to be going as planned.
And if not for Sept. 11, 2001, President Bush would have been shelved with John Tyler, Rutherford B. Hayes and Warren Harding in the history books.
Since then, his approval rating has been higher than a presidential niece on coke, and I still can't understand why. The economy is slipping back into a recession. He ostracized us from allies so he could get "the guy who tried to kill [his] daddy." And this is how we thank him: electing his party into complete control.
This election was the time when those sneaky Democrats should have given Bush the backhand across the face that he deserves.
But they didn't.
When their measly majority was on the line, the Democrats bickered between themselves to see who could be considered a standout candidate for 2004. They contradicted themselves by denouncing war with Saddam, but then supported the "Bush Does Whatever the Hell He Wants with Iraq" initiative. And when it came down to the campaigns, they let Bush's war machine steamroll them all the way to the polling booths.
This is the opposition?
Look at the numbers. Look at how many tight races there were during this election. Look at the narrow margins the Republicans squeaked by with and tell me that this is a mandate. I dare you. I double dog dare you.
Since the Democrats cracked under pressure, here's what we're stuck with for the next two years.
With a friendly Congress, Bush plans to re-nominate a few conservative judges to federal courts. The Republican majority will surely approve anyone Bush sends their way, just as they would get behind a pro-life Supreme Court justice if a vacancy opens up.
Bush's $1.3-trillion tax cut has done the equivalent of poking the economy's carcass with a stick, but it may become a permanent fixture now.
And even after an earthquake badly damaged the Alaskan oil pipeline, the new Congress will likely allow Bush's oil executive buddies to poke a few holes in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
With Rep. Dick Gephardt stepping down as House minority leader, Democrats are scrambling over one another to take his spot. Sen. Tom Daschle has moved from Senate majority leader to Democratic whipping boy. And somewhere in the mountains of Tennessee, Al Gore is brooding over a rematch.
These are some of the warning signs of the apocalypse. So hold on to your seats and prepare yourself because, in the opinion of one political analyst:
"God invented the term 'mess' for situations like this."
Mark Broeske is an English education junior. Reach him at mark.broeske@asu.edu.
