Screw college, I'm going to grow up to be a professional victim. It doesn't pay well, but it's so easy! All you need to do is wake up, meander to your car and when you see most of your window lying in your seat, start crying like an 8-year-old girl. Voilà!
Like most things, being a professional victim takes practice, practice, practice. Which is why I'm glad I've been robbed three times since June!
For some reason, my little Honda Civic beckons thieves to, "go ahead, take just a little something, no one's looking, c'mon." And boy have thieves listened, accumulating a CD player, two skateboards, three bowling balls and my patience.
But that's OK. I'm not bitter. Sure one of those bowling balls was borrowed from my girlfriend's kid brother and skateboard No. 2 was a birthday present, but it's not like I wish certain death upon those who robbed me. A slow, drawn-out, excruciating one will do just fine.
Worse than being robbed is the shrug the police gave me when I made the reports. In Mesa, where the first incident occurred, my break-in was treated like the Crime of the Century! They took detailed lists of the things that had been stolen and even dusted for prints. And after all that hoopla, they told me the Cardinals had a better shot at the postseason than I did getting my stuff back.
Phoenix, on the other hand, is a different story. If you're robbed, they get back to you. They've got other things to do like, well, like taking auto-theft reports from everyone else in Phoenix. No fingerprint kits, not even a real police officer. Just a guy over the phone saying "sorry sucker."
The Phoenix officer told me over the phone that a car is stolen every 10 minutes in Arizona. One car every 10 minutes and 6 seconds according to the Arizona Auto Theft Authority, who seem to be the authority on this sort of thing.
About 60 percent will be recovered. Those that aren't will likely be driven down to Mexico to be stripped and plundered like Christina Aguilera.
So what is a professional victim to do? I'm OK with a smash-and-grab job here and there, but I don't want my Civic to be dragged south of the border. I'd be out of business. So I turned to the authoritative folks at the Arizona Auto Theft Authority for guidance.
Tip 1: Don't leave your keys in the ignition. I know it seems like a good idea, you know, just in case an ax-murderer is chasing you down and you need to speed away without having to fumble with those pesky car keys. But what's the likelihood of that happening twice in one week.
Tip 2: Car alarms are a great way of alerting your neighbors that your stupid, annoying car alarm has gone off again and that they hope your car really is being stolen so they can finally get some sleep.
Tip 3: A "Watch Your Car" police alert decal not only guarantees you'll be pulled over at 1 a.m. the night you had only two beers (you swear officer, only two), but will also hold together some of your window, after it's been smashed in.
In lieu of a well-trained ninja/monkey, I've decided that a life-sized dummy in the drivers seat should be enough to scare would-be thieves. Okay, so it's not a dummy so much as it's me sleeping in my car.
What can I say? It's tough being a professional victim.
Mark Broeske is an English education junior. Reach him at mark.broeske@asu.edu.