Now that the hype, hope and hoopla have died down (which happened about three minutes after the polls opened), it is now time to seriously contemplate the consequences of Tuesday's elections. Voters across the country made responsible, thoughtful decisions that will affect the quality of all our lives for years to come.
For example, in Florida, voters passed a proposition making it illegal to confine pregnant sows in small cages. This is a huge victory for the state's non-existent pork industry and Anna Nicole Smith, should she ever become pregnant.
In Louisiana, bald men cannot be charged more than 25 cents for a hair cut. As ridiculous as this law sounds, I can tell you that Louisiana just increased its tourism industry by one college opinion columnist. That can make or break an up-and-coming state.
And so, the great legal and political traditions live on. Those would be the traditions that, over the years, have allowed voters, or the people they elect, to provide the rest of us with the guidelines that have made this the greatest country on Earth. Not convinced yet? Then prepare for more examples my inquisitive readers.
One may not bathe in public in Rochester, Mich., unless the bathing suit has undergone a police officer's proper inspection. Although there is no mention what the officer should inspect for, nor whether the inspection comes before or after donning the suit, one has to salute a city whose police force has set new records for citizen contact.
That may not be the case in Kentucky. The law there only requires each citizen to bathe at least once a year. So who's keeping tabs on that?
The state of Virginia increased the number of people running for office several years ago when they passed a law that strictly prohibits corrupt practices or bribery by anyone other than political candidates. How can you not salute such political perspicacity? I mean, why not put the crooks in charge? If you notice, the rest of the country has quietly followed Virginia's example.
Virginians are leading the way in fair practices for farm animals. The state regulates the time hens can lay eggs: they must begin after 8 a.m. and be finished by 4 p.m. By God, there'll be no barnyard sweatshops in that state!
Never the ones to miss out on something good and stupid, the folks in Florida have also weighed in on the farm animal fairness argument. Much to the dismay of chicken-ladies everywhere, it is illegal in Florida to put livestock on a school bus, probably because the farm animals were being traumatized by the behavior of the humans.
You know how mean kids can be: "Hey, you! Yes you, the Big Mac on legs. How'd you like to be super-sized?"
Yes, kids can be so cruel to animals: "Hey, chickie. I'll bet you're the Colonel's favorite, huh? Yo, Billy, look at the nuggets on this chick!" No wonder they passed a law.
Other southern states take animal rights seriously. Rabbits cannot race down the street in North Carolina, nor do they allow dogs and cats to fight. In Texas, camels cannot run loose in Galveston, and Corpus Christi forbids keeping alligators in your house.
Several states have addressed highway safety issues also: New York won't allow blind people to drive. Evidently, the state doesn't have funding for traffic signs in Braille.
California has decided that women wearing housecoats are a menace and must be banned from driving.
The ever-alert state of Tennessee has decided it is too dangerous to drive a car while sleeping.
Probably to reduce the number of smashed windshields, Utah has decided that birds should have the right of way on public highways.
Colorado has determined that cats running loose in the street must be equipped with "tail" lights. It's difficult, if not impossible, to adequately describe the intelligence and far-sightedness of Utah and Colorado legislators.
Certainly, our children are our greatest assets, and as such, deserve every legal protection. Here's the proof.
In California, a law makes it illegal to wiggle while dancing. In Utah, daylight must be visible between dancing couples. It is against the law in Connecticut for a man to write love letters to a girl whose mother or father has forbidden the relationship.
Finally, in New York, it is against the law for children to pick up or collect cigarette and cigar butts.
Oh, and don't tell Charlton Heston, but in the state of Washington it is against the law to carry a concealed weapon over six feet in length.
There, now, don't you feel safer?
Terry Moore is an English literature graduate student. Reach him at limerick@asu.edu.
