Skip to Content, Navigation, or Footer.

Ask two tiger-loving German gay men


Dear Seigfried and Roy,

I just started college, and I'm still finding it difficult to adjust. I haven't made many friends yet and I'm stuck inside my dorm room all day. Any tips on how to get out more and socialize?

Stuck in St. Louis

Dear Stuck in St. Louis,

Some people call us gay, but ve like to think of ourselves as happy. Sure, ve pet ze tigers in white jump suits und frolic around in feather boas, but life is just so wunderbar that ve can't contain our gay -- ve mean, happiness! Roy gets bothered by the comments ve get sometimes though. It's hard being so, how do you say, beautiful, in Spandex. You try keeping your buns tight und firm like Roy does. It's playing with ze lions that does it, you know? They stay right on your be-hind und keep you goin', cause if you stop, vell, you don't vant to stop! Come und see me play with ze lions und tigers und Roy, oh my! Tee-hee. Experience ze magic that is Seigfried und Roy!

Dear Seigfried and Roy,

My girlfriend is being really clingy lately. She says she trusts me, but she still wants to know where I'm going all the time and who I'm with. I love her, but I can't take much more of this. Please help!

Needing Space in Sri Lanka

Dear Needing Space,

So there ve were. Standing in ze middle of a large lion....und another lion! I looked at Roy, he looked at me, and right there, in between ze two lions, we made mad passionate love. Ze lions got one whiff of our scent und vent mad! Mad, I tell you, mad! They ran about us in circles, swiping at us with their large, lion paws. I screamed und fainted. Ze next thing I know, I'm lying in bed with Roy, watching My Best Friend's Wedding for ze 200th time. Oh, what a night. But zat is ze magic you can experience when you come and experience ze magic of Seigfried und Roy!

Dear Seigfried and Roy,

What do you think the meaning of life is? I've been pondering it lately, and I can't seem to come up with a conclusive answer. I mean, I don't think I believe in any supernatural guiding forces or anything, but if there aren't any, what are we doing here?

Bewildered in Buckeye

Dear Bewildered,

Guten Tag, this is Roy, the less gay of the two tiger-loving German gay men. Can I tell you a secret? No, please don't leave. I'm lonely. Sure, Seigfried is great, but he is so, how do I say...gay. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am a homo gay as well, but come on! Even Cher has shunned him. And quite frankly, I'm sick of all the Spandex. I mean, where in the gay bylines does is say that we have to wear so much damn Spandex? Sure, I might look happy in my sequins und leather cape, but inside, I am a crying little Roy who wants to be petted like a little tiger, too, you know? Look at my face. Does it look like the face of a happy man? OK, so my face isn't even real anymore. Why do you think I'm holding ze baby tigers so close to my face, because it looks sweet? No, they're keeping my cheeks attached to the bone for the love of Gott. Scheize! I must go, Seigfried is coming with more Spandex outfits for me to try! If I live through this ordeal, come und see that magic that is me und Seigfried!


DISCLAIMER

This is called a disclaimer. A disclaimer is for nimrods that haven't caught on to the fact that the last issue of The State Press is The Stale Mess. All quotes and situations are completely fabricated. That means made up. Still confused? Look at the girl next to you. See her boobs? Touch them. That's right, they're fake. So is the The Stale Mess! Enjoy.


Continue supporting student journalism and donate to The State Press today.

Subscribe to Pressing Matters



×

Notice

This website uses cookies to make your experience better and easier. By using this website you consent to our use of cookies. For more information, please see our Cookie Policy.