Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Don't worry, it's not your lack of money or power that keeps people from wanting to be with you. It's because you're ugly. And you might want to get that thing on your back removed, pronto Tonto.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
At the time, it seemed unnecessary to learn how to do "the robot." However, circumstances this week will make you wish you had paid attention in dance class when a gang of elitist robots sees right through your vacuum cleaner impression.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Mmmm, you smell good! What is that delightful scent you're wearing? The stars are pleased with your odor today. Keep up the good work! You're going places pal.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You're right, today is the day the Teddy Bears have their picnic. But you're wrong in thinking that they will welcome you in if you are drenched in honey and are playing hopscotch with their cubs.
Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
While Milli Vanilli's "Girl you know it's true" seemed cool 10 years ago, it becomes pretty scary when the duet follows you everywhere this week while singing it -- especially since you thought one of them was dead.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You will be missed someday. Oh, wait, did we say "missed"? The stars meant to say "mist." That's right, in about 50 years you will evaporate spontaneously into thin air. Good luck with that whole thing.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Three gentlemen claiming to represent the Lollipop Guild will present you with a large lollipop this week. However, your response of putting on ruby red slippers will only make your unwitting visit to a gay bar even worse.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Just because he is three feet tall and wearing a green suit with a shamrock doesn't mean he is a leprechaun. Crack his skull open and look for the gold inside his brain. That's the only way to be certain.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You will find that people react differently to you when you don't wear your heart on your sleeve. For instance, there is less vomiting, fainting and shouts of "mommy, look at the inside-out monster!"
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Jimmy crack corn, but after seeing the blisters and abrasions on his hands, you can't help but care. This sad and inescapable fact, along with learning the origins of Cotton Eyed Joe, will ruin every karaoke night you attend in the future.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Excuse me, don't I know you from somewhere? No, really, I could swear...you look so familiar. No, no, don't walk away, I promise this isn't a come on. It's just that, geez, you look like the spitting image of someone and I...come on, I just want to get to know you better.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
While he plays dumb, you remain insistent that the owl must have some clue as to how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. Your determination, however, goes unrewarded, since you are talking to a plastic owl on your neighbor's roof.
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DISCLAIMER |
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This is called a disclaimer. A disclaimer is for nimrods that haven't caught on to the fact that the last issue of The State Press is The Stale Mess. All quotes and situations are completely fabricated. That means made up. Still confused? Look at the girl next to you. See her boobs? Touch them. That's right, they're fake. So is the The Stale Mess! Enjoy. |
