Riding on the gravy train that is ASU top rankings, the Ladies Home and Garden Journal rated ASU the top school in the nation this week for having the most and best hoes.
The magazine, typically read by spinsters, nuns and your mom, surveyed more than 100 universities in the nation and decided that ASU has the best supply of hoes anyone will ever find.
"It was more word of mouth than anything," said Willa U. Sookme, editor of the magazine. "We got so many letters saying that there are nothing but hoes at ASU. 'Hoes for miles,' the letters would say."
ASU's top gardener, Burk Clutter, said the rating is an honor.
"I've always known our hoes were the best," he said. "I've always taken care of my hoes. I rub them down every day, clean their cracks after they've been digging holes all day. Nobody ain't never say nothin bad about my hoes."
But ASU President Michael Crow said the rating will bring nothing but bad attention to the University.
"Sure, I like a good hoe just as much as the next guy, but is this really the image we're going for? Do we really want to be known as the school with 'hoes to attract to the rows,'" Crow said, referring to the rows of gardening that could be completed with the sufficient tools.
When asked how it feels to be a No. 1 object, coveted for its beauty and talent, the hoe refused comment, because, well, everyone knows hoes can't speak.
Clutter said that only he can speak for his hoes, assuring ASU that his hoes are used only for good things, such as pulling on the shafts of weeds and ultimately making the campus look beautiful.
"We've got a lot of hoes on this campus, we might as well utilize them," Clutter said.
DISCLAIMER |
This is called a disclaimer. A disclaimer is for nimrods that haven't caught on to the fact that the last issue of The State Press is The Stale Mess. All quotes and situations are completely fabricated. That means made up. Still confused? Look at the girl next to you. See her boobs? Touch them. That's right, they're fake. So is the The Stale Mess! Enjoy. |