WASHINGTON, D.C.-As previously suspected, new research reports that Vice President Dick Cheney retracts two to three inches in the cold.
Cold water and chilly weather, among other factors, are to blame for what scientists are officially calling "Congressional shrinkage."
"I've noticed that Dick just doesn't have the girth he usually does," said President George Bush just after Washington, D.C., was hit by a winter storm over the weekend. "I didn't want to say anything to embarrass the poor guy. He looked like such a frightened little turtle pulling away from the world."
Cheney responded that he appreciates Bush's understanding, but that a Bush couldn't possibly know what a Dick has to go through under such conditions.
"With my head always exposed to the elements like this...it's not my fault damn you! I can't control the shrinkage!" Cheney exclaimed as he ran from a gust of cold wind, covering his head.
The study also concluded that shrinkage could occur at random moments of emotional distress. Cheney, for instance, is said to shrink just before Congress penetrates a new bill and just before performing live on Television.
"I get nervous," Cheney said with a quivering lip. "You think I like the shrinkage?"
When reporters warily backed away from Cheney at a recent press conference, Cheney begged them not to go, claiming that the phenomenon is new to him.
"This has really never happened to me before," he said, jumping up and down, attempting to get warm. "I swear, if you'll just wait a few minutes, I'm sure I'll sprout right back up. Please don't go."
Cheney suggested that people add a good four inches onto his height every time they look at him, because "that's the real Dick -- not the phony shrunken Dick."
"I just don't want people to get the wrong idea," he said, standing up on his tippy toes and holding a ruler to his head.
"See. Do ya see? There's a good four or five inches there. You're not looking!"
One reporter who fled the scene said her exit had nothing to do with Dick's supposed shrinkage at the time, but that something suddenly came up and that she had to leave the country to wash her hair and take care of her sick second cousin.
"It's not him, it's me," said Linda Notting of the Washington Post-It. "I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment."
Notting was later seen questioning 100-year-old Strom "stamina" Thurmond.
"I know it's the shrinkage," said Cheney, offering an explanation for the reporter's sudden retreat. "She was all set to ask me a slew of questions, and then 'it' happened and she was all, 'uh, yeah, I have to go do something.' Sure, 'do something.' Like run away from the freak that is the shrinking Dick Cheney!"
Former vice president Al Gore is rumored to visit Cheney in the next coming weeks to tell him that "it happens to all vice presidents."
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