In a landmark trial, former U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno is suing Arizona Gov.-elect Janet Napolitano for identity theft.
Reno, who recently lost the Florida governor's race to Jeb Bush, is claiming that Napolitano has over the course of 34 years been a giant copycat to the point where the resulting confusion has been detrimental to Reno's career.
"Don't you find it odd that there are two ambiguous she-males who used to be attorney generals that now want to be governors?" said Reno's lawyer Hugh Von Schliptinburg. "We think that we have a very legitimate case."
In addition to the fact that Napolitano and Reno share the same name, hairstyle and political aspirations, there are now rumors that Napolitano will be starting her own dance party. The party will purportedly take place at the capitol building in Phoenix on Friday nights and feature the styles of DJ ice-pak.
Reno's lawyers say that this is all too similar to the recurring Saturday Night Live sketch in which Reno shouts, "Play my song!" to a room full of youngsters.
"Listen up people. I'm the O.G. Janet!" said Reno in a press conference. "That bitch better fess up or step off. 'Play my song!'"
Reno said that although the dance party is of slight concern, the thing that is really ticking her off is the fact that Napalitano won in the Arizona governor's race.
"Hey I was the one who was supposed to govern a state of reckless crazies," said Reno in a statement to the Miami Daily Sun. "She stole my tactics and now she is reaping the fruits of Reno mania!"
According to FBI reports dredged up by The Stale Mess, Napolitano and Reno were once roommates at Sarah Lawrence College in 1964. Reno claims that during this time, Napolitano was named Constance and planned on majoring in library science.
"All of a sudden things got all weird. Right before we moved out, 'Constance' told me that she also wanted to pursue politics and I never thought anything about her again," Reno recalled. "Then all of a sudden I'm watching C-SPAN one day and that bitch is on there with my hair cut and my name talking about finance reform."
Reno claims that over the past 30 years, Napolitano has been following her every move and emulating her persona. She has hired a team of private investigators and claims that she has found Napolitano hiding out in an outrigger in the swamp near her south Florida home.
"I'm telling you, if I didn't have a slight fondness for the girl, I probably would have sicked my bloodhounds on her by now," Reno said. "She's seriously creeping me out."
When asked for a comment on the allegations, Napolitano did not hesitate to answer.
"She's just jealous because she can't be me," said Napolitano from her Phoenix office. "Why you gotta be a hater J-Ro? Just because your state is too dumb to figure out how to vote doesn't mean that you can blame me for it."
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This is called a disclaimer. A disclaimer is for nimrods that haven't caught on to the fact that the last issue of The State Press is The Stale Mess. All quotes and situations are completely fabricated. That means made up. Still confused? Look at the girl next to you. See her boobs? Touch them. That's right, they're fake. So is the The Stale Mess! Enjoy. |
