Struggling through yet another winless season, the Arizona Cardinals turned to drastic measures on Sunday by saying, "Screw the NFL and its steroid policy."
The team will reportedly begin requiring the use of anabolic steroids, or "shutout repellant" as team officials call them, among players in an effort to shed the losing image that has plagued the team for years.
Team doctors will begin immediately injecting the steroids into the player's butts upon entering the locker room "whether they like it or not."
In some cases, the team will use high-powered rifles armed with steroid-filled darts to inject non-cooperative players. When asked why the use of rifles, a team official replied, "Because rifles make everything more fun. Besides, some of these guys are pretty fast and I sure as hell can't run them down."
Snipers will also be hired to provide "boosts" for players during games.
Team officials say that snipers will be ordered to shoot darts into any player that appears fatigued during practice or games.
"Basically we want everyone to be on as much of a steroid high as possible when we play the St. Louis Rams this week," a team informant said.
"We looked at how small and slow our team is and decided that the only way to get better was to cheat."
The team owner has decided to pay-off the NFL, using the $40 million that the team will have under the salary cap next season, and hopes the steroids will take small players and make them into "robot-like athletes."
When asked about the potential for "roid-rage," the team informant chuckled, then chuckled a little more before bursting out laughing and adding, "The more roid-rage the better, it's not like we can get any worse."
A source also claimed that the team will distribute steroid supplements to Cardinals fans as they enter home games in an effort to better "arm" the supporters against overwhelming numbers of opposing fans.
"We hope our fans will be just as chemically insane as our players," the source said. "They need to be when they are outnumbered 10-1 in the stands."
Testing has already begun on volunteer Cardinals fans, earning mixed results. One fan had a significant increase in body size but is now prone to fits of rage followed by intense "downer" episodes.
"I get so mad sometimes," the fan said while punching a live ram as a demonstration of his loyalty to the Cardinals. "But then, when I'm alone, I get so sad," he added while hugging the same ram as a demonstration of his love for all of God's creatures.
The Phoenix Zoo refused to comment on how the fan managed to steal a ram from the park.
The NFL did, however, choose to comment on the Cardinals' choice to break the league policy on steroids.
"Forty million is a lot of lettuce," a league official said. "You can't expect us to pass that up. Plus, that team needs a little help. We don't see what bad could come of this situation."
Police do have a few problems with the decision and have in turn begun feeding their horses steroids to prepare for the throngs of "raging" fans.
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