Greetings from the FUTURE!
I, Mark Broeske, have returned from a strange, though not too distant future to write a column for you poor unfortunate souls who will spend the next week living off a combination of No-Doz and prayer. I've come from the year 2012 to tell you about your exciting future!
Everything is peachy.
Well, more or less. We still don't have any hoverboards or reasonably priced picture phones, but the world of the future is still as futuristic as you could imagine.
President-For-Life Bush is still calling the shots. Don't let the authoritarian title fool you. It's not like he's a ruthless dictator or anything. Granting him the All Knowing and All Powerful titles was a decision we voted for on the ballot. Your future selves just thought it was a good idea.
He did handle the Sept. 11, Feb. 14, and May 29 terrorist attacks pretty well. And voting has always been such a hassle, so it was about time we got rid of it.
The economy is almost there. We're being very patient with Our-Most-Supreme-Ruler's new economic policy: burn all the money. He took a cue from Piggly Wiggly (formerly known as Puff Daddy and P. Diddy) and decided: "no money, no problems." I don't know why we didn't think of this sooner, but I've got my fingers crossed.
Since it's only 2002 to you pastlings, you're probably worried about Saddam. Don't worry, we spanked him like a two-beer slut. Iraq actually became the 51st state two years ago, only now it's known as New Texas. And Saudi Arabia, or should I say Newer Texas, is going to be granted statehood next year. Things are looking up.
We're currently at war with Germany, Italy and Japan. The Axis of Evil has been defeated for quite a while now, so The-Bestest-President-Ever has moved on to the Axis Powers. Some people tried to tell him that we had taken care of them already, but then those dissenters mysteriously disappeared. Served them right though. Crazy liberals and their "Bill of Rights." Don't they know that the War on History has many fronts?
Right now, you may be thinking, "How can I be certain that this witty, brilliant State Press columnist is really from the future? It may be late and he's tired, so instead of researching for a real opinion column, he's making all of this up to save face." Oh my loyal readership of the past, have I ever let you down? Don't let my mug shot confuse you, I may still look like a pre-pubescent sapling, but I am indeed from THE FUTURE!
Actually, my time travel device was developed here at ASU. President Crow fulfilled his promise and turned this notorious party school into a notorious party research facility. So far, ASU researchers have developed a working time machine and a better mousetrap. Next on the agenda: turning water into Corona.
Tuition is only going up 37 percent for the 2013 school year. But I assure you, while dramatic tuition increases may outrage you simple people of the past, we've grown used to it. How else would people come up with $20,000 per semester if the school didn't overcharge other students to cover their financial aid?
ASU passed the "100,000 students" mark last year, clinching yet another "Crowtesque" goal. It's really about time that we've gotten the numbers to be a mega-super-ultra-multi-versity. Now all we need is a few more parking spaces. Some things will never change.
Those of you who saw the old 2-D film Back to the Future II are probably a little curious about sports, huh? You guys want to place a few bets and maybe build a gambling empire that will enslave the McFly's. Okay, fine, I'll let you in on a few things, but Doc is gonna kill me.
The Diamondbacks made it back to the World Series in 2003, but lost to the vastly superior Chicago White Sox. The White Sox then went on to win back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-well you get the picture. What can I say? They're just the most dominant team in baseball.
Oh yeah, and Jake Plummer led your Arizona Cardinals to their first ever championship in 2006. Of course, this came after the team was downgraded to a super-heavy-weight division of Pop Warner football. Some people complain that it was an empty victory, but some of those 15 year-olds were pretty tough.
But the future is just as fantastic as you could imagine. We've got robot worker monkeys (all with degrees in Communications from ASU) and Playstation 7. What more could you ask for?
Hoverboards, that's what. And where the hell are the damn picture phones?
Mark Broeske is an English education junior. Reach him at mark.broeske@asu.edu.
