Chances are that, like a sucker, you spent money this holiday weekend.
You may have waited outside your least favorite mall in the wee hours of the morning with your face pressed up against the glass eyeing that perfect gift for your mom, brother or favorite opinion columnist. You may have mentally mapped your plan of attack--a cut to the inside, fake left and then a mad dash with your hands out and fingers wagging. And if that didn't work, you could always steal from someone else's cart when they weren't looking.
If they don't care enough about that sweater to protect it from your thieving hands, they don't deserve it.
But why would any reasonable person deprive herself of sleep and civility for an Elmo doll that does the chicken dance?
Because it's on sale! If only Uncle Sam were this frugal.
If you hadn't noticed, the economy is in a bit of a slump. At this point I guess you could say it's in traction.
In an effort to get things back to normal, we've cut taxes, returned taxes, continued to spend more than we can afford and launched a costly war against terrorism. But every time the economy started to pop its head up, we smashed it back down like an economic whack-a-mole.
But in the continuing effort to get the budget back on track, President Bush is celebrating the season of giving. He's slashing federal employee bonuses and giving retiring congressmen million-dollar pensions.
Ho ho ho!
Bush is asking federal employees to take one for the team by not receiving a pay increase that they're lawfully entitled to. Thankfully, military personnel will still get their raise because they're Daddy's favorites.
While federal employees will be sulking around the office a little more this holiday season, retiring congressmen will be naked and rolling around in wads of cash. If the image of Strom Thurmond bathing in dollar bills doesn't get you in the holiday spirit, I don't know what will.
But Strom--who is so old he ran against Franklin Roosevelt for President--is one of three retirees who will receive a yearly pension of over $105,000. Even the infamous Gary Condit and James Traficant--who is not so much retired as he is incarcerated--will each receive significant pensions for their dedication and service to the federal government.
Quitting never looked so profitable.
I'm not saying that none of these people are entitled to a pension (well, maybe not Traficant). Pensions are a great way for a company or a government to say, "Hey, good job. Now don't let the door hit you on your way out."
But this much money!? Retiring will make these guys millionaires!
Unfortunately, at ASU we don't have much room to complain about excessive pensions. Last summer, the Regents approved a very generous retirement package for our former University President Lattie Coor. Among other things, Coor will receive his normal salary--$224,250--for this year, a teaching position for $150,000 per year and up to $250,000 when he actually retires from teaching.
Maybe it's the proposed 44 percent tuition increase asking this, but isn't ASU broke? The legislature cut $18 million from our current budget and, unless God starts planting money trees, things are only going to get worse. How can President Crow fulfill his dream of making ASU a super-ultra-mega-multiversity if we just give money away to his predecessor?
It's great to get into the spirit of giving, but keep in mind who we're taking from.
Mark Broeske is an English education junior. Reach him at mark.broeske@asu.edu.
