I refuse to carry tissues with me. They bulk up my pockets, and the soggy mess is a hassle.
So I steal napkins from various food locations on campus as I walk to class.
One from Starbucks, another from Einstein Bros - during the cold-flu season, I probably blow through twenty a day, at least .
These napkins, or "nasal treasures" for non-hankie-handlers like me, fluctuate so greatly in quality that the difference between napkins from one dining facility to another could mean a raw, clown-nose in just a few wipes.
To help you better choose where to grab substitute Kleenex on campus this season, I've included the following review of ASU dining napkins.
Union Square
I start my morning at the Union Square cafeteria in the Memorial Union. The low-cost, mass-produced napkins Sodexho provides are not for the amateur nose blower.
To Sodexho's credit, the cafeteria is fully stocked with trash cans. As well they should; It takes several wipes to clean excess snot with the brown, sandpaper napkins. They're definitely not quicker-picker-uppers.
Einstein Bros Bagels
Compared to the Union Square, the hankies at Einstein Bros are white velvet.
They are soft, durable, and fold up neatly in the palm of your hand for multiple blows. Plus, they fair well during wipes from different angles inside and outside the nostrils.
However, beware, for these napkins will deceive you.
Due to their white color, you may mistake clean spots for previously moistened areas. Another try at clearing your airways and you might stick your nose in the cold remnants of the past.
I try to avoid this unpleasantness, but, occasionally, even I fall into the trap.
Overall, Einstein's napkins are a nice departure from the Union Square, but they don't measure up to Starbucks.
Starbucks
"We proudly brew Starbucks coffee" catches my eyes as I defile the franchise's napkin. A reddish-green stain covers the Starbucks insignia.
I pause.
I can hear a harp and melodious voices chiming.
Another cleaning and I notice something else: "Made from 100% recycled fibers." Bonus: "No bleach was used to make this product." Tears flood my eyes.
Not only is this napkin satin, but Starbucks uses poison-free paper to make it!
If the foundation of capitalism is supply will meet demand, for a minute I'm grateful to those Seattle pigs.
Their coffee may stink, but they must've done something right because my nose isn't burning. Instead, my nasal passages are clean and clear.
It lasts only a moment, but as I stand here, bathed in an air-conditioned breeze, I can smell that all is right with the world.
Reach the reporter at ilan.brat@asu.edu.
