Liberals like to throw around labels at conservatives that are usually childish at best and outrageously inaccurate at worst. For instance, the left universally describes conservatives as "backward" and "afraid of change." At the same time, those same liberals are trying to repeat the same mistakes with Iraq that Neville Chamberlain made with Germany over 60 years ago.
But in honor of April Fool's Day - the one day to pay homage to liberals - I'm devoting a column to the "Real Conservative Agenda."(TM) Let the vast right-wing conspiracy unfold!
Take women's rights, for instance. Vermont Gov. Howard Dean has recently said that if re-elected in 2004, President Bush will take away women's right to read. This is not patently absurd, so much as it as an abominable understatement.
If Bush merely takes away all the wimmins' books, they'll probably just form underground reading cabals (remember Frederick Douglass? Us conservatives are still sore about that rascal) and just start all over again.
President Bush - hereafter referred to as Herr Bush - would never enact such woefully inadequate legislation. After 2004, all women will be attached to specially designed Adamantium chains that will allow movement only between the bedroom and the kitchen. How else could we ensure total control?
Republicans are also taking a lot of flack from critics accusing them of favoring tax plans that disproportionately help the rich. Well, duh. Rich people, by virtue of having more money, are naturally the best people. You're free to disagree with that assessment all you want, but have fun trying to get back to us while we're swimming in our Olympic-sized swimming pools full of money.
Besides, the middle class (normies) and lower class (poors) won't have much time to complain, because after Rush Limbaugh undergoes his final metamorphosis into Lord ShadowHeart, he will have used his dark powers to press them all into 21 hours a day of various forced labors (e.g., rickshaw service). They'll be much luckier than the few surviving Democrats, of course, who will be enslaved into the salt mines and renamed "Morlocks."
Did you breathe a sigh of relief when Congress voted against drilling in Arctic National Wildlife Refuge? The joke's on you, pal, because that whole Alaska thing was just a ploy to distract liberals from "Project: Scorched Earth," which has been described by experts as being able to "rip and tear at the very fabric of Mother Nature - from the inside out." A prototype is nearing completion at Camp David and will be beta-tested on France, hopefully by early summer.
Are you a celebrity speaking out against the war, and if so, do you feel that the government is repressing your viewpoint? That's nothing compared to the LABYRINTH, a sinister maze built by enslaved poors under the island of Crete. Once the government captures you and drops you naked into it, you'll be hunted by such Republican celebrities as Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the Minotaur.
Your hunters will be armed to the teeth with the latest in person-exploding technology, while you must rely on only your teeth and your wits to survive. The liberal celebrity who lasts the longest will be awarded the honor of licking the boots of Herr Bush's heels.
I'd share more info (any orphans reading this? I have one word for you: tears), but I've got to go because Herr Bush is appearing on my baby-fueled communicator and initiating the bi-weekly mind-massage. Catch you on the other side of the revolution!
Eric Spratling is a journalism junior. Reach him at ericspratling@cox.net.
