When we die, for what exactly are we going to need our guts?
People have big ideas about what they're going to do when they die, and it's safe to assume that none of the plans require any internal organs.
You're either going to burn in hell or relax in heaven. Now, where in any of these situations do you see a need for lungs or a pancreas?
There isn't a roller disco in heaven exclusively for people who didn't donate organs (none of the roller discos in heaven discriminate), so why wouldn't you want to donate your organs?
The other day I had the opportunity to donate my organs, and I'm proud to say that I stepped up to the plate. Thanks to a great girl named Rhea who approached me in our Spanish class, I was able to do my part to give a little bit of hope to the 899 Arizonans who are currently waiting for a miracle.
Now all I have to do is die, and some of those people will be enjoying my kidneys, liver, pancreas, heart and lungs. That may sound a little grim, but my support did not go without a reward.
Not only did I get a good feeling inside of me, Rhea gave me a coupon for a free burrito at Chipotle. Basically, I promised to give away my intestines if they would fill them with some Mexican food while I'm still here.
People who declined to donate their organs must be kicking themselves right now, and if you're standing next to someone who is reading this and kicking himself, give him a kick for me.
There is no reason not to register to be an organ donor. The Donor Network of Arizona has answered every myth out there about donating organs on its Web site.
First there was some concern that celebrities would be buying the organs, and that they wouldn't be going to help average people. From what the Donor Network says, that scenario is preposterous. Federal law prohibits the sale of organs or tissues, so famous people don't receive preferential treatment.
Another one of the excuses people use for not donating organs is that it is against their religion. If that were true, it would be understandable, but according to the Donor Network, none of the major religions, including Roman Catholicism, Protestantism, Judaism, Hinduism, Islam and Buddhism, oppose donation.
The Web site doesn't say anything about Voodoo, Scientology or Jedi, so there are some exceptions. The exact numbers aren't known, but there aren't as many knights of the force out there as there are Jesus freaks.
The most understandable excuse for not donating organs is that it causes disfigurement and delays the funeral process. If my cause of death allows me to have an open casket, I wouldn't want someone slicing me up so that people couldn't see me one last time.
But this isn't even an issue. The workers aren't going in with a hook that they use to scramble your innards and then pull them out through your nose.
The people who remove these organs are very skilled and know where they can make discreet incisions to recover the organs. This makes it possible for you to have an open casket and still donate your organs.
There is still one reason that is somewhat difficult to criticize. Some people just don't want to be organ donors. That is where the Donor Network has come up with a strategy that is absolutely brilliant.
It uses sorority girls, like Rhea, to ask people to register. Whether or not this was the Network's intention, these women can use their feminine skills to lure men to do anything they want.
Alongside the burrito and the cool wristband they give you, the opportunity to talk to an attractive female is enough to make any man want to sign away his organs.
The only remaining problem is getting women to register for donation. There isn't a plan underway to capture this demographic, but a solution is on its way.
With the summer just around the corner, I soon will have plenty of time to swoon the women of Arizona into registration. With my help, the Arizona Donor Network will soon have an abundance of women registered for donation.
In retrospect, that doesn't seem very probable, so the Donor Network will have to hope that stereotypes are true and that women are generally more caring and sensible than men.
All jokes aside, being an organ donor is a very respectable position, and everyone should be willing to give a little help in the midst of a personal crisis. You can register online at www.azdonorregistry.org.
Want to speak out about organ donation? Post your opinion in the forum below.
Chris Fanning is a weapon of mass communication. Reach him at christopher.fanning@asu.edu.
